and now i'm at your feet...

home at christmas

2011-12-11T21:28:00.000-08:00

so very thankful for this home to make all christmasey. it is warm, cozy, a haven.

m-i-c-k-e-y m-o-u-s-e

2011-10-21T14:12:00.001-07:00

i can't adequately describe my love for all things disney... but suffice it to say that disneyland really is my idea of one of the happiest places on earth. here's part of why i think so... it's full of the magic of a time gone by... the old, vintage disney... the magic that walt disney created in order for families to experience FUN together. the sensory experiences that disneyland offers are second to none. the joy i feel when walking down main street, usa on a fresh & clean morning is uncontainable - that happy music floating through the air with the old-fashioned voices and sweet strains of strings, the comforting smell of baked treats, the prospect of a full day of beautiful fun ahead - it's WONDERFUL!

i didn't experience disneyland until i was an adult. and it blew my mind. my parents had never been and matt and i had the privilege of being with them to observe and enjoy "dis" with them at the end of this summer. they didn't really "get it" until they were there, and they were hooked. they tried everything at least once, and they are already talking about going back - my idea of a successful first visit.

here are some moments from our trip together. matt's bajillionth, my fourth, their first.

world of color show at disney's california adventure! incredible!

mom & dad, ready to ride Big Thunder!

california screamin'! (the photo op was "act asleep." mom missed the memo).

mom & dad in a toy box

mickey pancakes at the riverbelle terrace in new orleans square! delish.

me and dad, driving through autopia! (shortly after being rear-ended by matt).

highlights:
catching the fireworks finale while riding the matterhorn (absolutely perfect timing)
mom and dad whooping, hollering, and belly laughing!
the world of color show
warm churros
lunch at the blue bayou
dad's reactions on star tours & indiana jones (in awe like a little boy!)
acting like kids again for a week!

baggu daypack!

2011-09-09T15:52:00.001-07:00

we just got back from an absolutely delightful trip to california and disneyland. if you have never been to disneyland as an adult with your significant other, i cannot recommend it highly enough. i have another post to come of the ways that it can be special and romantic and a best-ever-memory-making-place, but today i just wanted to give some big kudos to baggu and their new lines of daypack bags.

i ordered a baggu daypack for our trip and couldn't have been happier with it! the baggu daypack is the perfect bag for touring disneyland. it's lightweight, but holds a ton. i carried around a long sleeved t-shirt, pair of running shoes, wallet, sunscreen, and still had extra room to throw in my mouse ears when needed. the nylon material isn't waterproof by any means and there were several times where we got completely drenched on rides, but my baggu kept its contents surprisingly dry, considering how the rest of my body was soaked, and it dried out really quickly afterward.

big plus: cute factor. the most highly recommended bag i had found for disneyland previously is baggallini's messenger bag . i ordered one for our trip and promptly bagged it back up for a return. though it seemed practical enough, it was just ugly and pretty soccer mom-ish if i do say so myself. i ordered my baggu the same day.

looking for a good bag for disneyland, or any other adventure where you're hoofing it around for hours on end and need to lug your must-have items around? try baggu!

*i'm not endorsed by baggu or have any affiliation other than that i own the baggu daypack and love it. just wanted to pass on the advice and recommendation for any other disneyland lovers out there, or anyone looking for a good active bag for hiking, walking, biking or anything else.

evidence of grace

2011-08-23T18:19:00.001-07:00

i've been asked to write about 'evidences of god's grace' for our new church's blog (mars hill everett!) that's in the planting process. we've been going to mars hill shoreline for quite awhile now, feeling very much at home and part of a wonderful church body. we are excited to be grafting into the everett plant, which will be the furthest north of the mars hill churches so far, reaching into upper snohomish county.

anyway, evidences of god's grace. i've written of this experience here already... but it's not a journey that's done, certainly, and i want to share it again, in different words. it helps me see where i'm at, still walking along in all of this.

go here to check it out:

http://everett.marshill.com/2011/08/30/evidence-of-god%E2%80%99s-grace-by-anna-fevergeon/

one whole chicken

2011-05-16T14:10:00.001-07:00

today i prepared my first ever whole chicken. i have been trying out a lot of new recipes lately. this was the latest venture in new recipe land. it called for one 5-6lb whole chicken. in reference to prepping the chicken before the spice rub, it simply said "pat chicken dry with paper towels." this led me to wonder why the chicken was wet. i assumed it was because of the juices in the wrapping it came in.

now, i had only gingerly handled the chicken up until this point. after picking it out at the grocery store on friday, i twisted it up in a second bag to prevent any juice leakage and promptly slathered my hands in antibacterial liquid from my purse because somehow i had already gotten juice on my hands. i had peered in at the chicken in the bag before putting it in the fridge at home... still pink and juicy. i just felt curious about the whole thing. the meal i had planned for monday (now tonight) seemed so nonchalant about the whole chicken as it discussed its preparation. simply rub it down with the spice concoction and stick it in the slow cooker all day. i knew i'd have to touch it as some point, but i figured it wouldn't be too bad after i had "towel dried" it. but it sure looked slimy in the wrapping... i began to feel apprehensive.

earlier when i took it out of the fridge, i thought, why don't i just google how to prepare a whole chicken and make double sure that i don't have to do any further cleaning of the bird. i really figured the one i had was ready to throw in and cook... but i just had to make sure.

...

"check for giblets" i read. also, "expel the kidneys from the back of the chicken with your fingers."

...

in one mad rush to just get it over with, i laid out my tools and opened the garbage cupboard, cut open the wrapping, plopped the chicken on the cutting board, yanked out the giblets and threw them in the trash all in one motion, and gingerly peered inside to see if i had to pull anything else out. yep. so i ... expelled those kidneys, threw them in the trash (again, all in one motion), manhandled the chicken into the sink, furiously rinsed it inside and out, plunked it back on the cutting board and speedily patted it dry with those paper towels. on a brave note, i cut away the excess fat and skin (!) with my knife when i could have just left it... i don't really want to talk about the fact that i had whimpered one long constant stream of "ew" and "sick" during the process, but at this point i was taking short and shallow breaths, ready to end the whole chicken prep. i dug my hands into my glass bowl of spice concoction, and rubbed that spice all over that poultry specimen.

it actually kind of looked like the picture.

then, quickly, i deposited the whole chicken into the cooker on top of the sliced white onions i had put in earlier, and stood back to evaluate.

one deep sigh of relief, and then i attacked all surrounding surfaces with disinfectant. lid on the chicken, quick iphone photo, and it almost looked like nothing but a quick and painless process had resulted in the dinner simmering on the counter.

almost, except for my full-body shudder every time i see that chicken and remember what i had to pull out of it.

this domestic life is not for the faint of heart. (er, giblets).

!

2011-04-29T11:00:00.001-07:00

it's d-day.

er, k-day.

k is for KEYS day.

we get the keys today.

to what?

"our" house.

weird.

also, awesome.

almost our home!

2011-04-07T14:39:00.000-07:00

all of a sudden the timing felt right for us, and five and a half weeks ago, we put an offer in on a house. there's so many short sales on the market now because of the crash, and we liked this lil' gem right away and liked its price pretty well too! we've been waiting since then to see if the bank would approve the short sale offer, and just this morning we heard that they did! we're moving forward with a closing date of april 29... we are so excited. our first real place of our very own!

so excited to dip into new paint colors and make it "us."

here she is! can't wait to sip coffee on her front porch.

slumber.

2011-04-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

his heart beating

beating and beating

it beats

his lungs breathing

filling and spilling

they breathe

he starts a snore

i poke a rib

beat. beat.

rise. fall.

we fall

asleep

a catalyst for change.

2011-03-30T15:12:00.000-07:00

time for me to do some unearthing of myself. i know i've got some 'splaining to do after a series of regular posts a la horsey stuff, then a doozy of a period of silence. hoooo boy, have i been processing some stuff. here's my first stab at catching up.

we rearranged our life quite a bit in order for me to pursue my equestrian desires. it was a big deal. months of praying and waiting and figuring out of details and lots and lots of discussing... so i was good and ready when january 4th rolled around to accept the onslaught of massive amounts of information to learn and absorb, in every aspect of my humanness - intellectually, physically, spiritually - because it was clear that this year of my being a working student was going to put me through the wringer and test me to my limits. that was all very clear to me. and, as is usually the case, another factor from left field came hurtling in and became front and center. and this is why my last day at the barn was january 31st.

i've been on a journey for a couple of years now, to deal with and confront the deep reserves of anxiety in my life. i have some wise council in my life that has been very helpful over the past year, and i hope will continue to be so into the future. i'm thankful to have had an objective sounding board to discuss my struggles in my previous job, the process of leaving there and beginning a new venture in following my heart, and then in the process of recognizing a change of plans and reconciling disappointment with what i know is right. in describing the events of the last few months as i catch up with friends and fill them in, i've grown fond of a particular way of describing it. so, my friends, if you've read this in an email from me or heard me explain it in person already, i'm sorry. but these are the words that feel best in learning how to summarize what seemed impossible to explain:

my wise council tells me that in any given situation, there's a lot of things that are true... and that i can focus on the true aspects i want to, in order to help best represent what a situation means to me in moving forward. i could compile a hundred different snippets of sentences to describe january 2011, all of them true, but not all of them would be helpful to me in moving forward because lots of them would be really painful. so here's how I would describe the month of january, focusing on a few key, true aspects from what i experienced, but that also help me in being able to move forward.
1) i fell even deeper in love with the art of working with horses. that meant a lot of sweat and grit and muscle and exhaustion... and a deep sense of awe at the privilege it is to work with such amazing animals. i loved every ounce of effort that went into them. the smell and the dirt and the tiredness really all just amounts to joy when you have such a love for them.
2) i made some great relationships with clients at the barn and especially one gentle lady in particular, who has these deep reserves of kindness that never ceased to amaze me. i really made some great connections and relationships with people AND horses.
3) i intensely struggled with the man who was my #1 source of knowledge to learn from. his demeanor and behavior were downright inappropriate, confrontational, aggressive, and (truthfully) abusive. i poured out every last bit of determination I had into making things positive, pushing through it, pushing back, fighting for my experience there to turn into a good one. but what I found is that when people are as broken and dysfunctional as this man ended up being, no amount of anything i could do was going to change him. and everything in that place centers around him. i made a decision for myself and my family, that that was not a healthy environment for me to be in, and i certainly could not learn what i needed to in an environment like that. it was not a healthy place for anyone to be, but especially me in my journey with anxiety and getting healthy and creating a healthy way of living for both me and matt.

i stood up for myself. i advocated for what i knew was the right thing to do even though it didn't feel good. i had to grieve afterward. it hurt like hell.

and, i am ok. it is ok.

another thing i've gleaned from the wise council in my life is that just because we made all these life changes and rearranged and re-prioritized and then things didn't work out in the long-term for me to continue this program, does not mean that our choices to get us to this point were wrong. this not working out could be the catalyst for change that we needed. in between the grieving and letting go of the way i thought my dream was going to go, i'm realizing it does not necessarily mean the letting go of my dreams. it will be different than i thought, but it always has been. and that is ok. and in even more spaces in between the hard parts, i've been realizing some peace. i haven't immediately begun to scour craigslist and find another job in the meantime, because i really want to be intentional about making the most of these changes we made. it was still the right time for me to leave my previous job. it was still good that we re-worked our budget to be able to live well on a single income. it was still good that we had figured out a better way to plan meals and cook healthier and shop with less money. and since 60+hours of my week suddenly became available, i want to use them really fully for good things. so far i've been using them for being calm, for being home, for cooking breakfast before matt goes to work, for going on walks and jogs with gromit, for keeping in touch with friends, for saying yes to middle-of-the-day coffee dates, for reading, for actually finishing some loads of laundry, for being still enough to hear the heater when it clicks on and the refrigerator humming in the background. and now, for writing.

and, in all of this, i've been struggling with this worry that horses are going to absent from my life again for years and years. though i've had no idea how it would work or in what context, i've been hoping that there would be a way for them to still be a regular presence in my life. they are so good for my soul! lo and behold, a couple of weeks ago a gentleman contacted me via a couple of new friends i made, and asked me if i'd be interested in helping him work his 2 horses on an ongoing basis. (i know, right?!) obviously i said yes. i've been going out a couple of times each week and i help do a few barn chores and then get to groom and ride some very dashing horses. they are brothers, they are tall, dark, and handsome, and they provide some of the highlights of my week.

i don't know what's next. everyone keeps asking me that. i don't know, but i guess we'll see.

God knew this would come. it doesn't matter that i didn't. but all the changes we made to prepare for something that didn't work out, still leave me thankful that we made them. i have time to think about it... and to focus on being a good wife and friend. i really love that.

flowers for a sweetheart.

2011-02-24T19:51:00.000-08:00

have you seen the movie 'stranger than fiction' with will ferrell? it's one of our favorites. we don't own many dvd's, but this is one of them. my favorite part of the movie is when harold shows up to surprise his uninterested love interest, ana pascal, who is a baker. he announces, "i brought you flours," holding out a flat box filled with a number of different baking flours. it gets me every time!

tonight i glanced up at the top of my browser window and saw an open tab for amazon.com from a recent amazon search matt did for me. he was looking up prices for ordering almond flour online, which i've been baking with lately, but have found to be painfully expensive in our local stores. i enjoyed a good giggle, all on my own, when i saw what he'd typed in the search bar: almond flower.

2.14 the lover's holiday

2011-02-15T16:17:00.000-08:00

love this man, and so grateful for him.
he's the best of the best of the best in my life.

january 28: day 23

2011-01-28T22:27:00.001-08:00

i really enjoyed the time i got to learn with trinket and craig yesterday. we
talked about longing being an extension of the work in hand, and i got to
practice with trinket, and then again with mason today. there are so many pieces
to be intentional about and because it's new i notice myself neglecting other
pieces when i'm focusing in on one aspect... i know pulling the bigger picture
together will come with time. so far my focus has been on establishing and
maintaining good contact through the rope, and making sure to mimic the same
rein aids in the saddle, just at a greater distance from the horse. i need to
trust that they work instead of trying to make my gestures bigger. i think
maybe, unintentionally, my brain is thinking that i should make my aids into a
grander gesture than they need to be (kind of like speaking louder and more
drawn out when someone can't hear you?)... now that i notice this happening i am
at least trying to be intentional about keeping my cues gentle, small, concise.
i'm really seeing how it isn't about just recognizing how to do the correct
things, it's also about learning how to recognize when you're doing the wrong
(or ineffective) thing.

today with mason i spent time trying to notice the feeling i was getting from
the horse through the contact on the rope, just noticing the give and take what
it felt like. i notice that i tend to be always saying something from my end of
the rope and that i may need to quiet down. i'm not really sure what to do in
the times in between giving cues. in other words, how do i make sure i'm not
constantly jabbering at the horse through my contact, but giving him time to
respond appropriately, and recognizing when he does?

january 25: day 20

2011-01-25T22:05:00.000-08:00

things i'm thinking about:

-don't force/push/pull for the movement you're going for, but help the horse to feel like doing that movement; set him up in such a way that he is prepared and ready for the movement you wish for.

-if you're going to release the spring forward, you're going to have to have some energy cocked and coiled first.

-with reuben, we will treat his anxiety and nervousness as a muscle that needs to be worked; this resonates deeply with me and i look forward to seeing if i can help him through his battle as i'm fighting through my own. i hope that i can help him find quietness if i can demonstrate it well for him with my nearness to him.

january 20: day 15

2011-01-20T21:33:00.000-08:00

with our 4 finnish guests in town for intensives, the days sure have been full but i have enjoyed talking with them, hearing their back and forth banter, and listening in as much as i can to their lessons with craig. though they are working on stuff so much farther ahead of me, it is helpful to see what kind of things are in the future and it's also a reminder that yes, everything comes from the most basic of building blocks that i am only becoming acquainted with now.

before i left yesterday i spent just a few minutes in the arena as mary anne's shadow as she instructed tulaa on the ground and lea in the saddle, working with bleu. they were playing with the clockwise and counterclockwise concepts - lea experiencing the motion in her body astride the horse as tulaa initiated the movements with the horse in hand. as mary anne instructed lea to draw her mind's eye (or the flashlight as we like to call it) to different areas of her body to notice any tension and release it to more fully experience the circular motions the horse's body produces, mary anne and i were circling along on the ground. mary anne pointed out that we could all experience the motion in our seatbones and then we had this moment where we realized how hilarious we must all look, this clump of 5 of us (bleu included) tripping out on our "circular motion" concepts at that end of the arena... helps to be a weirdo when you're amongst a whole bunch of weirdos thinking the same thing is cool. :)

i'm looking forward to the practice time alejandro and i should have tomorrow. i hope we can practice some lunging and seatwork because i am itching to ride again and put my mind on the areas i need to work on relaxing in the saddle.

so the recurrent theme is, once again: my brain is full, feels almost too full, as i am trying to process, relax, process, relax amongst the onslaught of new information i'm encountering daily.

january 18: day 13

2011-01-18T22:40:00.001-08:00

obviously days 5 thru 12 i've been mia from my "daily" board posting. my explanation for this is only to be vulnerable and honest. my thoughts and brain are swirling like crazy in learning new things and trying to let these fundamental ideas and theory absorb, slowly but fully, into my way of being with horses. so all this crazy action is happening for me mentally, and when i try to think of cohesive thoughts or summaries to create these blocks of explanations for what i'm processing, i have felt a little stuck - just stuck to get it out. so i'm trying to get my verbalizations un-stuck by simply discussing the fact that it's all a bit jumbled.

here are some things i am beginning to understand more:
-there is much that can happen in simply a squarely rooted position, between the actions of the half-halt and reverse half-halt; there is a sway and motion and willingness present there, even without legs and feet moving.
-cadence is important; today i watched craig teach piaffe to the finnish students and saw how vital the rhythm and motion of our human motions are as they correspond to the horse's own fluid rhythm and motion.
-mathematical geometry has everything to do with horsemanship.

and here are some things that i know i don't fully understand or just haven't gotten the feel of yet:
-how to create and maintain this line of "don't hang on my hand, horse" but still "please listen to my light hand, horse"... light but firm.
-how to suggest before being explicit - i.e. suggesting forward before pulling forward.
-how to not get in the way, or not create opposition, therefore not providing opportunity for resistances.

these are merely a few thoughts amongst a sea of many, many more, but i want to be better about trying to discuss something (even if it's only partially) because i see that there's no way for me to fully discuss everything i'm processing in this, well, process. so there we have it, at the close of my day 13 at NSAE.

january 6: day 3

2011-01-06T20:24:00.001-08:00

just some internal reflections for tonight.

today was a difficult day emotionally for me. i felt like the first part of the day was great, moving right along and getting those big daily things checked off the list. the latter half of the day was harder. i'm struggling in this space between pouring out all of my energy and effort and strength (physically and emotionally) and realizing it's impossible for me to do everything perfectly. and that makes me realize more now than ever how much i look for approval and expect perfection from myself. for awhile now i've been really trying to work on this area of my life because it's so deeply seated and produces so much anxiety... and i guess i'm realizing this is going to be one of the hardest parts of the course for me. i am certainly not going to do things perfectly. it's impossible. i'm not going to try something brand new and produce perfect results the first time, or even the 100th time in some cases. i realize i'm needing to figure out how to embrace the learning process for real, because it's going to take accepting my own shortcomings and learning how to give myself some grace and room for mistakes and all the while still moving forward. and that is so dagnabbit hard.

january 5: day 2

2011-01-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

meet sailor.

thought themes: balance and movement.

today mary anne was talking with me about some ideas astride sailor. she explained something about our requests for balance from the horse, while directed at the horse's body, really ask for more than the physical - we are asking for their trust, because our request to alter their body's position and balance truly affects their very core being. this is a flight animal, who lives as prey, and their balance and position in space affects their ability to run from danger (and the horse's fear, which as craig translates is "FEAR: false expectations appear real," doesn't always come from the presence of real cougars or lions or actual hunter animals, but can come from the idea that there *might* be something scary to run from).

it's a big deal to think that if i ask for my horse to collect his legs underneath him, to elevate his head and connect with my hands on the reins, should he oblige, he is trusting me with his core and spirit... because in his world, he might want to be ready to run and flee in whatever way he prefers to hold his body - probably out of balance.

and craig's conversation with jodie and i today about that bay horse and how to get his body moving when his brain gets stuck... i learned so much in my brain that i really hope i can learn to carry out with my body and the horse. i'm finding that is not nearly as easy as it looks - integrating the physical conversation with the horse with what i may have just learned in my mind. simple, but not easy!

there are so many new and interesting thoughts swirling around in my brain - countless ideas i'm encountering that i'm trying to absorb and connect with.

really looking forward to digging into the texts i got today: Basic Equitation by Commandant Jean Licart and Understanding Equitation by Jean Saint-Fort Paillard.

january 4: day 1

2011-01-04T22:22:00.000-08:00

so, in terms of finding out how i could incorporate more of those horsey bits into life, we've embarked on quite an adventure for 2011. i resigned my full-time job in seattle effective december the 23rd, in preparation for beginning a year-long professionals course at NSAE.

#1 item i have to be thankful for? my loving husband, who roots for me, and who figured out a way with me for us to arrange our life to include this experience - because our hope is that it will help us figure out a whole lot more of what we want our story to be about. in general, that's what 2011 is going to be for both of us - writing some more of our story, on purpose, together.

one of the expectations for the course is that i will post, daily, about my experiences from the day: what i did or how i felt or what i learned or what i want to learn but am having difficulty with, be it 5 words, 50 or 500... i am to write to help myself process and more fully engage with the experience.

i thought maybe i'd share some of those thoughts here. we'll see how it goes. so, from our online message board group [dressagetrainers], here is my entry 1.

___

i have lots of thoughts and experiences i'm still absorbing after my first day. i have been trying to pull them into some semblance of order since i drove home tonight and, if i'm honest, then even while i was going through the day today.

i think i'll summarize by saying this:
i am really, very grateful to have had a first day today. i'm so thankful for the opportunity to just be here. i am really hungry to learn. i will admit, unashamedly, that i have everything to learn in this niche of the universe that is home to classical dressage. yet something i do know about is how to work really hard, to pour my effort into what i'm doing, and it's important to me to be a teachable person. so i am committing to the learning. i want to learn all of this, as much as i possibly can. i am very aware of, and overwhelmed by, all that there is to learn. but i want to learn it, to get to know it, for the concepts to ruminate inside me.

i am fighting against the anxiety and overwhelming-ness of this new adventure because i will say it again: i really want to learn.

list of inspiring things, part 2.

2010-09-13T21:56:00.001-07:00

sometimes i post lists of things i'm going to write about and then i never do. i never finished the last list i posted here.

moving right along.

i've discovered recently a familiar part of me that i didn't realize i missed. last week my workplace was closed for an extended labor day closure. i had the opportunity to make the most of that time away from the office, and enrolled in a 4-day intensive at the national school of academic equitation, where i've been taking weekly lessons since july. to say that i've found a long-lost part of myself again is putting it lightly. i've rediscovered something that i really, truly, and honestly love. and it feels really good to work really hard at something you feel that way about. for the last few years i've been telling myself and others that i have yet to put my finger on that one thing that i would love to do (and "do" as in a forever sort of thing, like a lifelong pursuit). i've found that there is something i feel that way about... and it's not new, i just haven't given it any attention in a long time. when the mister nudged me to give it a try again and pay it a little attention (he tends to always nudge me towards the right things), i started experiencing some really emotional things. things that could only be described with super-overused words and phrases like " totally love it," "passionate about it," "makes me feel alive again," "it's my favorite," "it feels fulfilling."

i didn't realize how much i was missing this until i was experiencing it again... and let me tell you, i've never experienced it in this way before. "it" is this surreal connection and interaction with the horse underneath you, the horse you're standing beside, the horse you're trying to catch in the paddock who more accurately catches you by the way he plays with the velcro cuffs on your jacket and nuzzles your pockets where the carrots are kept... the horse who responds better to the slightest sensation on the rein than he would to a strong squeeze of the leg.

the mister and i have been having ongoing conversations lately regarding our story. what do we want our story to be about? what is our story now? do we want it to be this kind of story, or do we want to add or change elements to make it a better one - one we are more intentional about? what story do we want to live our for our littles someday? what do we want them to see in us? will we be able to show them how to live an epic story? we want this story to be full of the evidences of the way God has worked in our hearts and lives and changed us, the ways HE continues to change us, and we want it to have parts where we jumped off ledges and trusted HIS goodness and went off the beaten path. our story needs to have more elements of the things we're passionate about.

i've discovered recently that i want horses & riding & training to be a big part of my story; and matt wants that to be part of his. so it's going to be part of our story. it's going to play a bigger and bigger role as i learn how to integrate it in the best way for our story.

just between you and me, it's feeling like it could be one of the best parts.

list of inspiring things, part 1.

2010-07-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

these kids have been inspiring me... stirring up movements in my heart. i want you to have some heart movements, too. their melodies! oh, their melodies & phrases. they are so delightful.

gungor.

4 months later.

2010-06-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

i miss writing.
it makes me feel more "me."
i'm praying and asking about inspiration.

corporate life

2010-02-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

3/4 cup raisin bran. 8oz skim milk.

breakfast at desk. packed at 6am. eaten at 8:32am. transported milk in nalgene bottle with ice pack in lunch box, cereal in baggie. dishes from bottom drawer of file cabinet under desk. saves time in the morning; provides touch of home-like comfort at desk in early morning hour (when my mind is still otherwise occupied with thoughts of my cozy nest of a bed at home without me in it).

merry. bright.

2010-01-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

and now, for some favorite moments of the christmas holiday...

i am typing this on my hubz's laptop. it does not have an n key. because i caused irreparable damages whilst typitty-type-type-typing away one time. he loves me anyways. in spite of the fact i broke his n key.

hunting for, chopping down, and dangling things upon a noble fir tree.

baking and frosting delectable treats (and eating a few!).
giving and receiving sweet and thoughtful gifts packed inside of stockings.
feasting at a full table with special lights. (also in attendance: nativity folk perched on piano)

frolicking on winter walks (matt says, "like children of the night!")
playing board games with family.
venturing into the snowy countryside to shoot guns.

basically, simply enjoyed the season. the best part is, and what i need to learn to embrace, is that it's not over. christmas is all year, because HE is here.

but i still cried when we took the tree down and brought it out to the curb. i'm try-try-trying to carry christmas continually with me. i don't need the tree in order to do that. thankfully i have this special guy to help keep me in the right mindset. and to snap me out of it when i'm crying for irrational reasons.

so, though it's monday january 4, in the spirit of carrying christmas continually, merry christmas to you and yours. all year long.

who's dreaming of a white christmas?

2009-12-02T21:06:00.000-08:00

well me, duh.

last sunday we got to enjoy our early christmas present from matt's folks - tickets to the White Christmas musical at the 5th avenue theater and a schmancy dinner out afterward! (thank you!) steph and levi received the same gift and we all got to partake in the loveliness together.

i dub the excursion, "christmas coronation." it was the first weekend the city was all lit up for the season; white and colored lights, handsome trees, and shiny orbs abounded on every street.

we went to my (and steph's) favorite store, which was nicely outfitted for christmastime. (i struggle with coveting things when i go there, but i never act on it. we did buy this pretty spoon rest, however, because recently one of our gigantic candles tumbled off the back of the oven and smashed our old spoon rest straight away. this one will be a nice replacement).

beautiful whimsy.

for spoons to rest!

matt and i had our first dinner experience at benihana. it was neato. ave became our fast friend as he described that he likes to "move it, move it." and when he tossed freshly grilled vegetables onto our plates he said, "domo origato." i said, "mr. roboto," and then he sang the song under his breath as he diced and chopped.

ave, the japanese chef from mexico city.

L to R: seafood noodles, yakisoba, filet mignon, yakisoba.

one day i will master the chopstick.

we walked around, sometimes we linked arms, and we looked at pretty things. we heard pretty music by a talented cellist who was playing for change; he was grinning.

it's fun going out on the town with this guy:

and these guys:

may all your christmases be white.
(please, please, please let ours be white!)

[part zwei] the great un-move.

2009-12-01T20:55:00.001-08:00

so it just came down to a decision. we had to decide what to do. standing there in the living room of the kooky old house, with half the room already filling up with items that our faithful family members were carrying through the front door, we had to decide: do we stay here or do we go back? do we unpack the cargo and move in? i mean, that was the plan and the end goal of the previous weeks of packing- to MOVE IN. how could we not? how could we really, honestly load everything back onto the trailer and move BACK in to where we came from? it seemed nuts. it seemed like we would look nuts to even be considering another option besides moving in here.

why did everything seem different, and therefore worse, than when we'd first seen the house? was the previous tenant's furniture strategically placed to hide all the home's gaping faults? were those armchairs intentionally placed in front of the smoky tendrils of burn marks winding their way out of the furnace grates in the floor? was that sideboard in the kitchen meant to mask the melted linoleum on the floor in front of the heater?

what was it that made us feel different and so incredibly tumultuous inside? the exposed wires dangling from the bathroom walls? the naked, ungrounded outlets in the back room? the stale stench? the broken windows? the removed pipes from the washing machine? again, the burn marks coming out of the heating grates?

those are all things that scared me; they really struck fear in my heart. and they weren't there before, at least not that our eyes could see. and that's just it- our eyes couldn't see. our eyes couldn't see what was best for us. we were standing there because we'd carefully considered and weighed options, and been intentional and thoughtful, and prayed. we didn't know how it could not be right.

but i think it took something that our eyes could see to tell us what our eyes couldn't see.

there are just times when HE speaks and HE says a word, and we don't know why, but we have to move. literally.

aside from all its broken aspects, i still saw redeeming qualities about this kooky old house in wallingford. i loved it's crooked and creaky wooden floors, and it's weird paint job in the kitchen, and the turquoise tile in the bathroom and the fact that it was just old. i have such a penchant for the old; i think it's lovely.

there was just something that spoke more than the visual could. it wasn't going to be our home.

we took forever deciding what to do. in the heat of the day, we ate lunch on the prickly, dry grass out front and we looked up at the house and thought about what to do. we walked inside. we stood outside. we tilted our heads sideways to get a different view. we screwed up our eyes and sqinted at it. it didn't change. nothing changed. nothing felt any less confusing or any more clear.

so matt just picked up the phone and called the landlady, to whom we had just written a check for oodles of money (or what feels like it to us), and said that he's sorry but that we couldn't live here.

i cried. and my brother mitch told me that whatever we decided would be the right thing. and that really meant the world to me.

our family was so fantastic. matt's parents laughed and said that they'd done crazier. and tim just starting strongly taking loads of stuff back out to the trailer. then grom spilled my lemonade so i cried some more. and i thanked matt for calling the landlady, even when i hadn't said i had wanted him to.

overall, it just felt miserable. but somehow we just kept moving. everything was loaded and we locked the house back up, and we drove away. back up north with the same household items tethered in the backs of pickups and on a trailer and filling up the trunk of my brother's car.

we pulled into our familiar driveway in mukilteo and one of the neighbors said, "hey, isn't that the same stuff that came out of your house earlier?"

"yep," we said.

everything ended up in piles filling up all the empty room in our town house. my long-sought-after organization was in shambles, but who cared. at least it was there.

joanne cooked us dinner with what she could find in our fridge; she always amazes me with the tasty concoctions she can whip up out of nowhere. all six of us sat out on the back patio getting eaten by mosquitoes and ate our dinner and we didn't talk about what to do next, we just ate dinner.

afterwards my brothers left and i thanked them for their help, and they drove back to ellensburg. matt's parents stayed for a little bit. we cleared spots on the couch to sit. mark said he thought what we were really after was some peace, not so much the adventure. that maybe we'd had too much adventure over the last couple of years and were just pining for some quiet consistency, really. and that sounded about right. it sounded like that could be why we felt the way we did earlier at the new house.

one of the biggest things matt and i have taken away from some valuable conversation with our old pastor, tommy was that we don't need to own the pressure of choosing ourselves in and out of HIS will. we don't need to live worrying about trying to make the right decisions in order to keep ourselves in line with a will that's already been layed out for us. it's like this: ultimately, God's not necessarily going to care whether we chose to stay at the house in wallingford or that we moved back to the condo in mukilteo. his will isn't either-or... either the wallingford house or the mukilteo one. HIS will is that we love HIM... follow HIM... enjoy HIM... walk with HIM... and we could do that in either place.

really, nothing about this situation made any sense to us for a few weeks. after we lived out of boxes for awhile, we began to unpack and put things away. slowly, we put our home back together. covering up beige walls with friendly green paint gave us a feeling of discovery. where we were (where we are) was good for us. we can look out our windows and see peaceful green grass and trees and animals sometimes. we have just enough space for our things and room for guests. it is safe here and we don't worry about not being able to pay for things to get fixed because our landlord here has been receptive and helpful. we just started feeling like we were recreating a better home in the one that we had, and we were so thankful to be able to stay. and because our landlord realized it was better for her for us to stay, she dropped our rent by $200 per month. how's that for some confirmation that we did the right thing? what grateful hearts we had for every day that we began to discover why we stayed.

if this makes not one iota of sense to anyone else who reads it, i don't really mind. i want to have it written down for us to remember; to us, it matters. to us, it was a really hard decision and we are here, now really really thankful that we decided to come back. i've wondered before how i would respond in an unclear situation, if i ever heard HIM asking me to move. and i've been able to answer, in this, that yes i would. yes, we would. we will turn on our heels on run when it's not right, and we will run into the fray when it is right. we will do it.

we aren't going to live here forever. we dream about someday having our own home; one that we can really make ours. but i feel like, at least we're here until then. and at least it can feel like a haven, and like pure rest when we are here. at least we aren't worried about everything being broken and not feeling safe, just because it would have been in a hip, urban neighborhood. at least, for now, we can feel good about saying this is our home.

home is important when you are working really long days, and driving a lot, and when you need a place to walk into that makes your mind and body say, "ahh." matt is that, for me, in human form and this mukilteo house is that, for us, in brick and mortar. i'm so glad we stayed.

fevergeon moves: 7*
fevergeon homes: 5

*because of the great un-move, moving escapades 6 and 7 occurred inside of one day.

the great un-move. [part eins]

2009-11-20T16:11:00.000-08:00

Matt and I have experienced five complete household moves in five years of marriage. There is a reason I specify “complete.” Most of them have been chaotic, all of them hurried, and none of them pretty. I would consider us to be good movers, and what I mean by good is that I mean we can get the job done quickly and completely. It may take us forever to unpack and put away and set up a home again, but when it’s moving day, it’s go time. Everything leaves it’s current abode to find itself in a new one before sundown. An item may not end up located next to anything relevant or alike and we may not find it for awhile, but by golly it is going to arrive intact. Somewhere. Moving happens inside of one 24-hour period.

Matt’s mom frequently relays the story of one of their moves that unfolded much the way all of ours always have; one of their dear friends, shown up to help them move, threw in the butter dish with a load of miscellaneous household items. Upon unpacking they discovered that yes, he had packed the butter dish. Complete with the stick of butter, along for the ride.

The jist of it is, Fevergeon moves are practical. Practical and effective. Just not always the organized process my mind, body, and emotions crave. At the end of our moves, I have usually dissolved into a puddle of tears. While unendingly grateful for the faithful show of help from family and friends, I always feel a bit undone myself, because when everyone leaves and we’re getting ready for the first night in a new place, I can hardly handle the fact that the garlic press is mixed in with the snow gear and the dog leash ends up in my underwear drawer. My mind tweaks out over the process of trying to find some semblance of order when there is none to be found. Every unpacking escapade feels like starting over from scratch. Where do I want this? The office or the living room? Do we have any storage this time, or are the bikes going in the kitchen? Where is the underwear drawer?!

This time, I swore it was going to be different. And dadgummit, I was serious. After my last day at my job at the college, I had three weeks to make use of before the first day of my new job. And so it began. Moving escapade #6.

I grouped like things. I made lists of what to do first, what would come next, and the process consisted of starting packing things we needed the least, ending with things we used the most. My plan was that by moving day, everything would be packed, and once we got into the new place, we would simply go backwards, unpacking the things we used the most and ending with the things we needed the least. Everything that was similar would be packed together. All rugs. All picture frames. All candles. All bedsheets. All kitchen paraphernalia. All shoes. All books. None of this room by room stuff. If it was a picture frame, regardless of the room it came from, it went in the picture frame boxes. Then I grouped all the like boxes together. Then I made groups of boxes. This was going to be an organized, logical moves, folks.

Nothing was simply tossed into a box, hoping it would survive because it was braced with, say, couch cushions. No. Everything was individually wrapped, carefully placed, taped in the appropriate box and boxes were labeled with sharpies according to where that box should be delivered once unloaded from the moving truck. This is what I was hoping for – order and reason! It was a thing of loveliness. What a pack-job to behold. I used all of the time I had to prepare.

Good morning, moving day. We awoke after having been packing until the wee hours of the morning. And husband was sick. He awoke with a terribly junky cough, a heavy chest cold, a stopped up nose, and a splitting headache. Off to the walk-in clinic he went! Back he returned with medicated cough syrup and instructions to rest! Uhoh. I encouraged him to rest and urged him to take it easy because, LOOK! Almost everything is ready! Can you believe it? It’s organized and ready! We just need to move it all to the trailer… OH, and go pick UP the trailer. And pack up the kitchen…

Matt’s parents arrived, along with my two brothers. While Matt picked up the uhaul trailer, the other guys began moving the (organized and strategically placed) boxes from their groupings in the living room out to the backs of the pickups, loading up whatever they could, in every nook and cranny, until the trailer would arrive. Joanne and I hit the kitchen, carefully wrapping glassware, and slowly but surely all the cupboards’ contents began settling into boxes. Matt returned with the trailer, the boys filled it up to overflowing, and everything was tied down with fishing nets. It was early afternoon and we were ready to take our first load into the city to the house. We had almost all of our belongings in this load. Only a few items remained- the piano, basic foodstuffs, and our bedframe would hold down the Mukilteo fort until load #2. Off we went!

Have I mentioned the heat? Seattle was in the midst of a heatwave with record-breaking temperatures for the city. Traffic was slow. After all, our move was so pleasantly occurring during SeaFair 2009. We watched the Blue Angels’ daredevil maneuvers while we sat idling on interstate 5 on august 1st.

Matt and I talked about our feelings toward everything that was changing for us while we sat in the pickup. My tumultuous experience at my previous job had finally come to an end. I had a new job in the heart of the city that I’d always wanted to experience. We were moving into a new house in a favorite Seattle neighborhood. I would have a 5-mile drive to work and Matt would enjoy the benefits of commute north, opposite of the thick traffic. Gromit would have a grassy yard to enjoy again. We’d have creaky old wood floors and walk down the street for happy hour at a cute little pub. We’d walk to pick up Thai food on nights where we didn’t have time to cook, and we could be at Gasworks park in a 10-minute bike ride. We would finally be a short drive away from the church we were growing to love, rather than commuting the 45 minutes that we had been just because we wanted to be there. We were going to have a Seattle address! The packing had been stressful, and leaving what you know as “home” is assuredly bittersweet, but those feelings were tempered with all that we knew was just ahead. It felt hard, but good. We were not 100% convinced we would love all the changes, but it felt exciting and it felt like it was only apprehension and fear that was holding us back from embracing it. It felt like what we were doing was the right thing to do, and that if we were nervous, it was because we weren’t trusting what we knew to be true- that this was right.

We finally eased off the freeway, and drove the couple of blocks up to our new front door. The landlord was waiting, I sat in the front seat and wrote the check, and Matt hopped out to take a quick peak inside before we unloaded. I followed him in, looking around to refresh my memory of all the details of the house, and my heart sank when I looked at Matt. We made eye contact and somehow I knew we were both feeling the same thing- our efforts to convince ourselves that we were excited and happy were falling short and the apprehension was winning out. Everything was different in the house today, and likewise, everything all of a sudden felt different in our hearts. We were afraid and we knew it.

[to be continued].

the entry that has been long in coming.

2009-10-17T17:45:00.000-07:00

i know, i know. my posts lately have been amiss. in fact, there have been no posts lately. in order to avoid this place becoming a poor excuse for a blog, i intend to remedy the situation. by posting more often. maybe there will be a whole lot of nonsense before there is something meaningful, but the fact remains that at least it will be something.

and with that, i outline my explanation (to follow in subsequent posts) of where i have been and what i have been up to in my blogging interim. in other words, life over the past few months.

1. the great UN-move
2. shots to the palate
3. the new job digs
4. sex + money
5. life in the living: someone broke his foot

you should obviously, by now, be thoroughly enticed. (insert sarcastic emoticon).

something new.

2009-07-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

"for I am about to do a brand new thing. see, I have already begun! do you not see it? i will make a pathway through the wilderness for you to come home. I will create rivers for you in the desert!"

i am being provided a new path, a new way to walk in. basically, i feel like i'm being rescued- scooped up from the flower pot i'm in, to be transplanted to a different garden. at first the soil was moist in my little pot, but it's become dried out and parched. i feel like i'm going to be replanted in a bed of balanced soil, where my roots can stretch out a little bit and be revived.

i've been offered a new job, in a new place. the mister and i are looking for places to rent in the city. we are full blown seattle-bound, and along with that, bound for a more peaceful state of mind.

i feel surrounded by entangling weeds, yet i know i just have to make it through another week in my current pot. the new flower bed is being prepared!

"The LORD who made you and helps you says, "my servant, do not be afraid. My chosen one, do not fear. for I will give you abundant water to quench your thirst and to moisten your parched fields." "

is.

2009-05-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

i know that amongst the little things, HE is there. in the frustrating doldrums, HE is there. in the hours that feel so mundane they make me want to scream, HE is there. on the days where i lose sight of the goal, HE is there. on the days i stumble, HE is there. in the "hopeless" situations, HE is there, offering hope. in the midst of absolute chaos and utterly overwhelming stress, HE is there. in my sighings, in my pleadings, and in my rejoicings, HE is there. in my waiting, HE is there, and in my impatience HE is there. in my silence, HE is there. in my absence of creative thought, HE is there. both in my skepticism and in my trust, HE is there. in my waking ups and my laying downs, HE is there. in my tiredness, HE is there. in my confusion, HE is there. in my regular, in my ordinary, HE is there. in my wonderings, HE is there.

...and so in all of this, i know HE is here.

a haven; 2x2

2009-04-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

two times in the last two days, my eyes came across a verse. it was the same verse, in two completely different places, that i read in unrelated ways, and neither time was i seeking it out. i know HE brought my eyes across it; HE brought it to my eyes to graze over. and it soothed my spirit. both times.

yesterday i read it on a blog i keep up with.
today it was emailed to me by a dear friend.

then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble
and HE brought them out of their distress

HE stilled the storm to a whisper
the waves of the sea were hushed

they were glad when it grew calm
and HE guided them to their desired haven.

psalm 107:28-30

when ducks come to call

2009-03-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

today we had webbed-footed visitors. mr and mrs mallard were out nosing around in the standing water (leftover from this morning's march blizzard) on the first hole of the golf course. i spotted them and promptly went out to stand on the back patio, hoping they would remember me from last fall (THE ONE WHO FEEDS YOU BREAD, MALLARDS!) and grace us with their presence once again.

it only took a moment. i shouted, "ducks!" the boy duck zeroed in on me from clear out on the green, and waddled at a remarkable pace straight my way. girl duck continued to look for worms. i lost boy duck from my line of sight when he disappeared behind a small knoll in the lawn, then i saw his blue-green little head as he crested the top of the rise. i had rushed back inside in the meantime to grab half of a leftover loaf of frenchbread we had with dinner a few nights ago. i made it back just in time as he came to a stop in the middle of our yard.

i tossed a few chunks of bread. he stuck his neck down low and ambled toward the first large piece. then he did like ducks do, and abruptly shook his little head up and down, to and fro, as he downed the delicious snack. he continued to quack at me, low and deep, while i broke off more pieces of bread and tossed them his way. with each bite, he moved closer and closer.

his faithful companion soon joined us, and he sweetly shared the pieces of bread i threw her way. (last season he was more selfish). she was more standoffish, keeping a watchful eye on the jealous crows that were hiding in the bushes.

once their stomachs were filled, they tarried a bit and just quacked at me some more. i stood very still and quiet and marveled at their beautiful colors and his dashing, curled tailfeathers. i went back inside and they moved over to a big puddle in the yard to hunt for worms. what is bread without some meat to go with it, anyway?

i affectionately refer to them as "our ducks." i'm happy they have returned.

randomz.

2009-02-27T10:16:00.001-08:00

we do not have casual fridays at my job. i wish we did.

someone just walked by my desk with a serious non-expression on their face, singing in a flat, deadpan tune, "it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... a beautiful day as your neighbor...", the end of which trailed off into a deep, grievous sigh. it was too depressing for me to not laugh loudly.

i had to rifle through my purse this morning in the car to find my sunglasses, buried at the bottom. living in the seattle area has turned me into a mole. the sun is out today (HAVE I MENTIONED THE GLORIOUS SUN IS OUT), and i keep taking cautious gazes out my window, because this exceptional novelty (sunshine) has me squinting and screwing up my face as my pupils adjust to the bright, bright light. that is sad.

i have a better track record today in terms of not spilling things on my desk. last friday i spilled water (twice) on my keyboard and mouse, and coffee once. i soaked many post-it notes. my keyboard worked until the following day when it went kaput. so, i have not spilled on my new one yet. this is good. i keep my lids on now.

trusting dependence.

2009-02-26T13:48:00.000-08:00

it's a sticky situation, trusting the LORD while being human. HE continually reminds me to trust, to cling tightly, to look at HIM and not my stumbly feet. so every day becomes another day 1 in my study of trust; i can never graduate. i withdraw from my courses in Worry, Fear, Doubt, and Uncertainty (which is a full credit load) and get blue-slipped into Trust (which occupies far more credit hours than just a full load) time and time again. it means a constant re-routing of my gaze; i imagine take my hands up to my own cheeks, and tugging abruptly up and to the right, so that my eyes are in contact with HIS. and then i try to keep it there, steading my gaze with my trembling, sweaty hands pressed up against my flushed cheeks. and i imagine intertwining my fists in HIS grasp after i've steadied my gaze. and i try to accept that it's better for me to pull a C in Trust, than to earn straight A's in Worry, Fear, Doubt, and Uncertainty.

and this is what i read this morning at my desk at work:

I am leading you, step by step, through your life. hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting me guide you through this day. your future looks uncertain and flimsy - even precarious. that is how it should be. secret things belong to the LORD, and future things are secret things. when you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine. this, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you.

whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and turn to Me. i will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. relax and enjoy the journey in My presence, trusting ME to open up the way before you as you go.

you can take the girl out of the country...

2009-01-25T13:41:00.001-08:00

yesterday i used the word "brang." as in, "matt, remember when i brang you pizza from that place, that one night when you were working really late?" to which matt prompty responded, "brang?" to which i replied, "yes... wait. brought? i brought it to you?" which was greeted by a hearty chuckle from my hubz.

i done gone brang you that pizza, boy!

it's safe to say i have just a little country showing through.

sex and money: a global search for human worth

2009-01-11T16:37:00.000-08:00

in honor of Human Trafficking Awareness Day, please check out the project my brother tim is part of. he and his traveling mate, affectionately referred to as Koala, are promoting their book on the scandinava leg of the tour and are currently in iceland.

go here , read up, view their photos, and be part of the change.

swearing off gum.

2009-01-06T10:51:00.001-08:00

when i bite my lip, or the inside of my cheek, it makes me furious.
i hate how it happens out of thin air.
take, for instance, what happened just moments ago:

here i am, at my desk at work, gently chewing along on a small stick of orbit spearmint gum, when CHOMP, there goes the inside left corner of my lip. maybe i don't realize my own strength. maybe i don't realize how...

i just did it again. this time, the inside back right corner of my cheek. WITH MY MOLARS. ow.

ANYWAYS. where was i?

maybe i don't realize how hard i am actually chewing. maybe i am GRINDING DOWN FEROCIOUSLY, taking out stress on my unsuspecting teeth and a unit of orbit, just under the impression (the false impression) that i'm chewing gently, when in all actuality i am clenching with the kind of force an elephant exerts on the ground beneath his feet. maybe. maybe i need to be more mindful of how i'm chewing.

because, man alive, when a portion of my mouth makes its way between my upper and lower jaws, LOOK OUT.

it just makes me irate. in my anger-clouded frustration, as i physically make myself stop what i am doing to mentally regroup, this is what happens involuntarily: a wave of heat washes over me from head to foot. my head hunches down into my shoulders like a turtle, my hands ball up into fists, and i shake like a two-year-old; in my mind i am screaming, "Ooooooooooooo!"

perhaps i need to deal with this problem. maybe it's a result of too many encounters with frustrating coworkers where i smile and nodd graciously even if i don't want to... then i chomp on my own skin and experience a freak out... yep, that's probably it.

funny how all my attempts at remaining composed and having a peaceful disposition unfold on me when i hurt myself inadvertently. funny!

internet, thanks for letting me unload about my lip-biting frust.

dear snow, i love you. from, anna

2008-12-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

it's a cozy kind of day. i've gotten a few things done already, like a couple of loads of laundry, and whipped up some cinnamon oatmeal and hot chocolate for breakfast, but i still keep crawling back under the covers between each thing. grom, our trusty hound, is wound in a tight ball by my left leg, our bedroom blinds are open so that i can watch the snowflakes coming down, while simultaneously monitoring the "december storm" on NW channel news. matt had to venture out this morning for The Big Presentation he had at work, and he shoveled many-much snowflakes before he was on his way. the snow is a-coming down and it's actually beginning to look a lot like christmas in the greater seattle area. for once.

we get to snatch up Brothre Tim when he arrives later today! we've been without him for 3 christmases and 3 birthdays. it is sure to be no less than a trek to the airport tonight; we are planning for hours, with the way the freeways have been looking. but it will be worth it, for we will have a flip-flop-footed sojourner in our backseat on the way home! just in time for his birthday #22 tomorrow! some rainbow chip cake may be in order.

and a quote from the over-enthusiastic newscasters: "seatac airport looking like a snow globe!"

arch nemeses.

2008-12-17T11:09:00.000-08:00

allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Dyson. his arrival to our household was long-awaited. i poured over ads, websites, and forums in my journey of choosing just the right vacuum. blame it on my OCD tendencies, but let's be honest; you can never have enough suction! i want dirt and debris SUCKED UP, not PUSHED AROUND.

we likened my excitement over the purchase of Dyson to the purchase of Preston- matt's new transition bike frame. i was giddy on the afternoon we drove to bed, bath, and beyond armed with coupons and gift cards, saved up in anticipation. i was overcome with glee when Dyson made his grand entry through our garage door, free of the trappings of cardboard and plastic wrap. i marveled at its magnificent yellow coloring and it's extra long cord.

we plugged it in, and i had barely begun joyfully pushing and pulling, pointing out how much dirt was instantly twirling around in the cyclone canister, when gromit unleashed what must have been every bit of pent-up anger and frustration from the span of his three-year long life, jumping into the red zone feet first. he would have none of this Dyson sucking up each bit of snacking substance he could have scavenged up from the floor! Oh No You Don't, he shouted!

so there you have it. the Dyson. meet gromit's arch-nemesis and my new best friend.

like a sheep.

2008-11-17T10:50:00.000-08:00

be content to be a simple sheep... listening for My voice and following Me. I will lead you into restful green pastures and guide you along paths of righteousness.

advice of the greatest variety

2008-10-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

some of the best advice i've ever been given is this:
celebrate everything with candles.

grandma and granddad pritchard (bob & alda, matt's great grandparents) are some of the dearest souls i've ever known. i first met them at thanksgiving, when matt and i had just become a couple and it was our first holiday spent together. i went with him and his family to grandma and granddad's beautiful home on rocky bay near gig harbor. i loved them instantly and felt the same in return; that was a treat in and of itself. but the real treat came in getting to know them more and piecing together my understanding of who they were according to the home and life they built together, and the stories of friends and family who had been touched by grandma and granddad and were never the same again. they were hardcore YoungLife'ers, which almost says it all, yet not quite- i don't know how any explanation could do their stories justice because they were just that beautiful, those two.

granddad had a woodshop; he was a patternmaker. he made lovely things out of wood that were remarkable to behold. for our wedding, he created a very handsome, stout candlestick of dark wood in a round shape of curves. he and grandma presented it to us along with an ivory-colored candle with a crackled, unfinished texture. attached was a note on paper with raw edges. in grandma's beautiful script were the words, "celebrate everything with candles."

i love simple things. i love the depth of well-crafted words when used intentionally. and i love that message, that advice because it means a lot... to celebrate, to enjoy, to triumph, to relish in not only the glorious events, momentous occasions, and milestones, but also (and perhaps more importantly) the dreary days too- the quiet ones, the ordinary, the uneventful, and the regular ones. because we have each other. and that is always worth celebrating.

and so i learned to light candles for dinners that aren't fancy (even on the broccoli & chicken casserole nights), on days that aren't encouraging, in times that contentment is harder found. because when things in the world crumble, closeness with another is very much like what is found on the end of that candle wick- a lovely, warm glow that makes shadows bounce and smiles glow and fashions the ordinary into special.

my mom has given me advice also pertaining to candles. when the world's gotten me in a huff of tense shoulders, angry eyebrows, and frust, her priceless advice is to, "honey. just put your hair in a scrunchy, get into your softest pair of sweatpants, light a candle." somehow those icons of comfort (except for the scrunchy- i will never understand the role of the scrunchy in this equation for comfort, mom!), this soft, warm light and the glow it casts can change the spirit of despair into one of celebration- of praise- a good one.

we were visiting good friends in portland this weekend. they had candles lit in their apartment when we arrived, which were relit in the morning, and each time we returned from being out, and were always burning when we were there. it felt calm and peaceful.

maybe the act of lighting candles runs deeper than the act itself; in moments and on days where things don't feel right and we feel out of sorts, lighting candles can feel like a real picture of choosing light over darkness. it sounds cheeseball, but it feels true. warmth over coldness. thankfulness over dissatisfaction. celebration instead of taking for granted. enjoying instead of overlooking.

it makes a relationship beautiful. matt and i love lighting candles.

i am not shy about passing this advice along. it's my favorite advice to share for friends' weddings, and if you know me well, you'll probably hear me say it or see me write it if you havent already. because it's just that good.

celebrate everything with candles.

.

what's the best advice you've ever received?

a blinking boot.

2008-10-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

have i mentioned my husband and i are BFFs?

lately matt and i have been experiencing more than our usual dosages of rolling-on-the-floor levels of belly laughing. we generally laugh all the time. but lately, we've been having some monumentally great laugh sessions. the Hold Your Stomach While Silently Shaking, Until You Regain Your Breath and the Next Bout of Outrageous Noise Level Escapes Yet Again kind of laughing. (HRWSSUYRYBNBONLEYA laughing?? nevermind.) last night before i fell asleep i was most definitely rolling around in hysterics, smashing my face into my pillow to stifle my extremely loud cackling, surfacing only for air and to sop up the tears spewing from my eyesballs.

here's a lil' tidbit that had me making a SCENE laughing in the downtown seattle urban outfitters store recently.

we're perusing the lower level of the store where the vintage t's and sale items are, when...

related sidenote: i was quite taken with this owl cookie jar:

but after carrying it around the store decided i couldn't quite part with my precious pennies at that particular juncture.

anyways, when... all of a sudden we amble past a large shoe display, matt reaches out and seizes a black leather ankleboot, exclaiming,

..."hey anna, this boot is blinking!"

my husband, the engineer

2008-10-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

watching a tivo'd jon & kate plus 8 last night, during their cover photoshoot for good housekeeping magazine, while one of the shoot directors was steaming a sweater for wardrobe...

m: do you know why steaming shirts works?

a: no, why?

m: because of the transitional temperature of the polymer.

a: oh!

situational dos & donts. also: wolf spiders.

2008-07-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

when you order a medium diet coke and someone presents you with a large rootbeer, do accept.

when there is an "extra" 30 minutes of time in the morning and the available options are a) shower or b) bipass shower, obtain clean kitchen, and wear ponytail, for pete's sake choose (b), for the smell of a clean sink and garbage disposal far outweighs having hair roots as fresh as a daisy.

when you happen upon spiders in your living space, do not exaggerate on their size, leggy proportions, or hairyness. God forbid the time you ever cry wolf over a small spider, for a time will arise when you need your husband to exterminate what will be the biggest, the tallest, the furriest excuse for an arachnid that you will EVER have seen your life. it will gallop by you, as you're sitting on the floor in front of the couch, and you will silently dive (with perfect form) from your seated position to cling onto your husband's neck, seated nearby on the loveseat. you will only be able to point in terror, with shaking limbs, in the general vicinity of the television set. your voice will come back just in time for you to yell, IT IS THE BIGGEST I HAVE EVER SEEN! GALLOPED BY ME! UNDER THE TV! BY THE XBOX! IT HAD A SHADOW!

your hubby will peer around the corner into the dark, after first affixing his trusty headlamp to his forehead, and experience a reaction much similar to your own upon catching site of that terrible creature. he will affirm that that thing is, indeed, the biggest he has ever seen. EVER. he will need to get the shopvac, only to discover the beast is TOO LARGE for that. he will slip on the heaviest pair of shoes left by the front door, directing you to scare the spider out while he stamps on it (scare it out?! like a sheep?! are you mad?!), only you will question what he will do when the spider is too huge to stamp on, and what if he fights back? so your husband will direct you to grab the broom. you will take a deep breath before dashing by the spider's lair and into the garage to fetch said broom. your faithful companion will grab the broom, create a large bundle of shipping tape around the end of the handle. he, too, will take a deep breath before acting, and strategically mash the handle into the broad back of the spidey, simulating a spider trap and essentially gluing the spider's body to the sticky mass, and dash across the living room out the open front door (which you thoughtfully realized you should hold open in preparation). he will run down the sidewalk and jam that broom into the grass so far that that spider NEVER finds his way back out of the earth.

upon re-entering your once "clean and pest free" house, he will look you in the eye and say, "you are right. that is, by far, hands down, the biggest spider i have ever seen. you were not exaggerating. and i am not going to be able to sleep tonight."

you will realize the very grave and important consequences of ever having cried wolf over a tiny spider. because there is something called a Wolf spider. which entered the home of YOURS truly, and is the biggest spider to hatch in the WORLD aside from a tarantula. (don't worry, i asked matt during our little escapade if it was a tarantula. he just screamed more bad words. that man is as afraid of spiders as i am, and unashamedly). do not, do not, do not ever exaggerate about the size of spiders. for there will come a day...

bosses who don't boss.

2008-07-24T16:13:00.000-07:00

there's been a new boss added to my team of bosses recently and this is something he said today:

"i cannot tolerate mean people. i get really annoyed by people who boss other folk around."

i'm a fan of this philosophy.

mmm. :)

2008-06-28T08:08:00.001-07:00

sitting on a sunny back patio this morning in ellensburg. it smells like hay, and i miss that. all the smells here bring back floods of summertime memories, and it's fun to make new ones amidst those same smells.

matt got up early to get in some overtime hours on his laptop, and i joined him once little orange kitten attacked his big toe, which made matt shout, which woke me up. mitch's new addition to the family is a tiger-striped and polka-dotted orange and white kitten: copper. we are macbook/delling at the table on the back patio while grom suns his belly on my mom's chaise lounge. brothers (yes, there are TWO of them here!) are slumbering and mom and dad are enjoying having all their babies nearby. we are all drinking costa rican coffee. and i'm already getting a sunburned neck because the SUN actually chose to engage itself today and be a productive member of society- i will not complain about this.

this is a nice weekend.

brother-friend.

2008-06-24T09:10:00.000-07:00

You have protected him, guided him, laid out a path before him and faithfully made a way for him. You've showed him visions, and spoken loudly. You've quietly cheered him on in times where there were no visions or evident communication and he looked for You. You have brought him to the suffering, the poor, the weak, the abused, and the unjustly wronged and shown him just the moment where his shutter could capture their essence, which was Your essence. You've calmed his anxiety and worry, and surprised him with good. You use him as a brush in Your collection of art supplies, painting a picture of the world over; he snaps photographs and You fill his bristles with paint and spread Him across Your canvas. everyday he adds color to Your work, even through his black and white medium.

tim, mt. sinai, sunrise

what a gift 10 days will be after a year without seeing his face. thank You for bringing him back for a visit, to let us hug him fiercely, pray in person, laugh loudly, and breathe the same air in common company.

in 2 days, those feet will be in seattle.

these bears are getting dressed.

2008-06-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

it's a blustery day today,
bear is getting dressed
what should he wear today?
see if you can guess!

today i wore a turtleneck and a plaid jacket to work. when i got home i put on turkish wool socks, sweatpants, and a hoodie. we had bella minestrone soup for dinner with warm bread. gromit is curled up next to me in a flannel blanket. matt is wearing snowboarding socks.

it is the tenth of june. i just turned the heat back on.

as promised. (sea otter photos)

2008-05-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

alright alright alright! i am the WORST at uploading/downloading/taking pictures off the camera and posting them. i so badly want to just plug that lil' camera in, pop the USB cable into my computer, and have them magically appear without so much as a blip on my stress radar. but for some ridiculous reason, downloading photos off the camera has the potential to stress me out. it frustrates me beyond belief. and probably because i just don't do it that often.

on that note, organizing photos in general, including real hard copies (photoGRAPHS) stresses me out. i have boxes of photos i hope to organize and put into just the right frame, and i find the whole task to be so daunting that i don't even know where to begin and therefore, haven't.

it is a constant task on my perpetual to-do list in my head.

all that said, it's probably good i said, "pictures to follow" in that last blog i posted 1.5 months ago because for some reason i feel like i MUST follow through simply because i wrote it down for other eyes to read. i feel responsible. so here they are. some photos of the 2008 sea otter classic. we really did go, we went, and it was really amazing to experience another facet of the bicycle industry that we so hope to get into one day by means of our own little shop.

one enormous aspect of this trip, definitely worth noting, were the frigid temperatures. yes, this was in california. my naivety kept me from believing the northern-ish area of the state could really differ too much, by way of temperature and climate, from LA. hear me when i say, "i was wrong." i haven't been as cold as i was down there for a very, verrrry long time. i wore long underwear constantly, and in each of the photos you see i am always wearing a minimum of two pairs of pants and countless layers of shirts. did i mention we slept outside? anyways. that explains the cold weather gear we're sporting in the pics.

matt and i at laguna seca
(his grip on me is wholeheartedly affectionate, but also due, in part, to the gale force winds ready to blast us away)

ryan leach.
nicest guy, and for real trials rider.
he walked right up to us before the show with a big, silly grin on his face just to say hello and shoot the breeze.

riders from the collective's new film 'seasons'.
we attended the premier in monterey, ca. a must-see.

we had a great view of a killer spot on the downhill course.
we saw so many wrecks, and that is when the cheering was the loudest.

matty and phil-dough-licious.

so cold i didn't know what to do.
so i sat down in this patch of daisies.
they felt every bit as pokey as they looked. california daisies have weird stems.

phil was of the opinion that our fire pit needed to be tamed.

hope you enjoyed seeing a snippet of our california/sea otter adventure. hopefully you felt like you were part of our adventure. and hopefully i'll get better at uploading photos more consistently. and soon.

until next year, sea otter.

sea otter classic

2008-04-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

today we are flying into san jose, to meet phillip and drive to sunset beach to camp on the sand, to go here: http://www.seaotterclassic.com/

besides the flight, i am excited. hehe.

pictures to follow.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

2008-04-11T13:31:00.001-07:00

i am home now. that is right, not at work. since you and i will (or should) both agree that it is never, no never, a good decision to write in detail about one's place of employment in one's blog, suffice it to say that i painstakingly came to the conclusion that the best thing would be for me to leave. and so i did.

so da gromz and i are hanging out and he is providing his almost always delightful companionship while God and i are having lots of conversations about how to regain peace and just help my heart to feel better. this transition is not fun, not pretty, or nice-looking... but it was much needed. i'm learning some big and important things. so that is what is going on with me.

"i refuse to speak to you whilst you behave this way."

on a side note, here is a photo of me and grom. he is miffed because i ignored him as i was typing away on my computer; but then he layed down against me here on the couch and he BURPED. neither one of us is speaking to the other at the moment.

wednesday, april second.

2008-04-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

I have promised to meet all your needs according to my glorious riches. your deepest, most constant need is for My peace. I have planted peace in the garden of your heart, where I live; but there are weeds growing there too: pride, worry, selfishness, and unbelief. I am the Gardener, and I am working to rid your heart of these weeds. I do my work in various ways. when you sit quietly with me, I shine the light of My presence directly into your heart. in this heavenly light, peace grows abundantly and weeds shrivel up. I also send trials into your life. when you trust Me in the midst of trouble, peace flourishes and weeds die away. thank me for troublesome situations; the peace they can produce far outweighs the trials you endure.

dwiving home from wowk.

2008-03-06T21:22:00.000-08:00

tonight's drive home from work was a teensy bit surreal. i feel i experienced nearly every weather pattern there is to be had on the pugetly shores of western washington. more significant than the variety of the weather, however, was the appearance of the weather- the very experience of it had me feeling like i was watching something oddly stuck in the middle between being a futuristic hi-def movie and one of tim's drawrings that frequently include clowns, hot dogs, balloons, and billy goats.

as i merged onto I5 south from 41st and broadway in everett (see, i'm really learning my way around here), i consciously noted how very yellow the atmosphere was. the entire sky above me, blanked in hazy clouds, was completely yellow, all different shades and textures, from the direction my car was pointed and to the right. to the left? oh, just black stormclouds. don't mind those. i realized this was today's attempt at a sunset, and as i finally broke free from the construction bottleneck on the freeway, i was really enjoying peering up at all this very lovely yellow-ness. i noted that i've never seen a completely yellow sunset- no reds, purples, blues.... just yellow, and it was beautiful. i didn't realize yellow could be so many different... yellows. i tried to focus on driving in the midst of a breathtaking yellow-set.

right when i was thinking how very warm all this yellow was, raindrops began splatting on my windshield. i wrinkled my brow- how does this happen?- while looping around and merging onto westbound 526 heading over to mukilteo and home. the raindrops continued, but so did the growing brilliancy of (let's just call it) the yellow.

from this new perspective and direction on the freeway i was watching black storm clouds converge with yellow in big, round, thunderhead-looking shapes. on the horizon ahead of me, above the strip of possession bay, these big whipped-up clouds formed what looked like a wall above the ocean, very tall and strong. at the very top of the length of this cloud wall, was an intense strip of light peeking over from the far side of it. it was like being shown that something amazing was on the other side of the wall, so amazing in fact, that the light and wonderfulness were eeking up the sides and beckoning me to make the million mile long journey up to those clouds, try and scale the wall, and join in on that party with God and his closest friends.

the wind and rain amidst the warm yellow-set continued...

it had been one of those days (let's be honest, one of those weeks and months) at work where my mood was less than cheery and optimistic. but i did decide, mind you, that my perspective on this showy display of color and clouds would have been too fluffy, and not as meaningful, had i been in a different mood. the sight of something warm and beautiful and artistic in the sky made me feel invited to God's party. i don't like to think that, had i been in a mood where everything was peaches and real whipping cream, i might have just been too human and passed off the yellow sunset and rainclouds as "oh, just very nice and pretty." because it was so much more than that.

i've been listening to misty edwards' album 'relentless' this week. i really like her song 'waste my life' and if you haven't heard it, you should listen to it, and think about this weather-scape i've tried to describe tonight... because the things i saw in the sky tonight and the atmosphere i noticed around me pointed to someone, the One, that i am happy to live for... someone the world considers a waste of my life, but whom i consider the only life-giver.

imagining that i was in a corny, rainbows and puppydog tails sort of mood tonight on my drive home, i hosted a make-believe question and answer period in the car with myself.

Q: ANNA, SUPPOSE YOU WERE TO GIVE A NAME TO THIS SUDDEN CLASH AND CLAMMER OF WEATHER SYSTEMS AROUND YOU... HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE IT?

A: LIQUID DROPS OF SUNSHINE.

favorite words, continued.

2008-03-06T21:21:00.000-08:00

audacity
wherewithal
shenanigans

revolutionary positions wearing everyday clothes.

2008-02-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

ancient words comfort me... there's something about uttering the same words with my tongue that a long line of believers have also let escape from their own mouths that stirs up in me a confidence in my Helper. yahweh... yeshua... jesus help me... lord, be near...

i'm struggling in my job right now, clinging to my belief that i am, right now, where HE intends me to be. i'm asking, praying, to be shown the kingdom in this cloud that can easily blur my vision when i'm not crying out against it.

i know that people who work in coffee shops, people who work in offices, people who fix things, people who engineer things, people who do work where they often wonder if they are fulfilling a grand purpose... these people are doing work that has the potential to rock people's lives to the core the way that philanthropists, relief workers, brilliant writers, great thinkers, and pastors of big, moving churches do. i know that the potential is there, for the grand purpose to be fulfilled in daily conversations, purposeful relationships and interactions, though the appearance alone seems much less revolutionary. i believe these everyday revolutionary positions are just as vital as the their more glorified counterparts; they are vital. but it takes asking for the kingdom, reaching out and fighting for the visions of God in order to adequately give shape to and fill out the niches that we're placed in... that i know i'm placed in.

i crave feeling like i'm fighting the good fight and breaking ground on unseen levels... it's just hard to see headway being made when i don't know what the difference i'm supposed to be making really looks like. i'm trying to be jesus with skin on... and yet i forget that people hated HIM. people aren't going to love me for doing what i'm doing... necessarily. but that feels weird on many different levels... it feels weird on the everyday sort of level in your everyday career position where you just want someone to eventually come beside you and join in pursuing Life instead of living like they want to squelch it out. i need what's Real...

each day i've been reading passages and reminders filled with ancient words and truths and i cling to them because they breathe Life into my everyday position and remind me that it is, verily verily, a revolutionary one. i am promised that, by crying out, jesus help me, HE comes to my rescue, lifts me, sustains me, holds me by my right hand and lays out HIS intentions for me... even when the cloud is thick, the kingdom IS.

jesus, be near. yahweh, come find me.

february thirteen.

2008-02-13T15:20:00.000-08:00

receive My peace abundantly and thankfully. it is a rare treasure, dazzling in delicate beauty yet strong enough to withstand all onslaughts. wear My peace with regal dignity. it will keep your heart and mind close to Mine.

.centuries.

2008-02-02T10:28:00.000-08:00

you will turn your ear to me. you will hear my cry for mercy. you will loosen things unseen. what can man do to me? you will be my help in trouble. you will be my place of refuge. you will cut these bindings free. what can man do to me?

i'll sing for joy. in your place of rest. i'll sleep in peace resting on your chest. and your voice will sound like a thousand waters. your song will rush for ten thousand centuries.

best of both worlds...?

2008-01-28T12:39:00.000-08:00

today i was struck by two very different worlds colliding before me.

first, for a little background, it snowed last night in the greater seattle area. we awoke to 2-3 inches of fluffy wonderment, and i have been enjoying it immensely. the view out our bedroom window is winter wonderland-esque, and something i've been pining and hoping for for months... i've really missed the snow we get back home, and it hasn't helped that ellensburg has had snowstorm upon snowstorm heaping flakes upon it this year. i miss it! so, i was, needless to say, more than thrilled to wake up to matt stomping his shoes off in the front entryway after venturing out to start the pickup and announcing, "anna, it snowed! look!"

later this morning as i was starting the car and clearing it off, i was pondering how the snow made it feel more like home. it was reminiscent of the very snow mornings we had last year in ellensburg, and shoveling the car off before class. i was enjoying it.

and then it happened.

i heard a seagull caw-ing overhead. when i hear that sound it means one thing -- the beach. we hear them all the time here because we are near the beach. that is the good thing about missing things from home -- what we have here is so different that it still makes me feel like i'm vacation at the oregon coast or something when i hear our seagulls. yet, here i was this morning, traipsing around in the snow, SHOVELING SNOW OFF THE CAR and reminiscing about blizzards and white christmases, winter wonderlands, and snowboarding, and loving it. but with the addition of the seagull sounds to my wintry morning, i noted how very kewl it was indeed, to be exactly where i was. it was a reminder that my home is in a new place, and though i miss lots of things from our other home, i will sometimes be able to experience the things i miss and love from there, right here. and for that moment today, i noted that i had things i love from both places all in one place- snowflakes from the mountains and seagulls from the beach.

the plight of my blog.

2008-01-14T15:31:00.000-08:00

my apologies for weeks gone by with no posting, folks! sometimes i wonder who actually reads this thing. but i know deep down i write because i need to, because it's good for me, and anyone who joins me here and ends up reading along the way is just an added blessing heaped upon my head, an additional spurring-on for me to continue sharing, and confirmation to me that when we are willing to share we will never be alone on our journeys.

so, i'm here. :) i never went anywhere. i've been here all along. :) sometimes i feel like i don't have the creativity to write anything for the day. but when did i let this blog become another entity exerting pressure and adding demanding expectations to my life? enough of that way of thinking, i'm tellin myself that right now. i refuse to let this blog consist only of writings i'm proud of or things i think are interesting enough, funny enough, unique enough to post in hopes that all of you might think i'm a brilliant, artistically-minded, creative genius. some of these blurbs will be pretty darn interesting, obviously, pretty darn hilarious, and pretty darn cooky. (insert sarcastic, raised eyebrow here). however. a lot of what gets put into words from my mind might be awfully boring, run-of-the-mill, weird, or (gasp) wrong.

the truth is, these entries are expressions of what's on my mind and in my heart in their respective moments. that is why they are sometimes silly, or sometimes profound in their own right. isn't that exactly what the thoughts of us humans really are? sometimes silly, sometimes profound. so, random as they may be, i hope to keep them coming more abundantly, with less time in between. and i hope to make more entries because i want to, and not not write because i'm apprehensive about how i will be perceived. and i will do so in hopes of gathering many more footprints to mark the path beside my own on this organic, gritty, yet beautiful excursion that is my journey.

deliver us.

2007-12-23T01:01:00.000-08:00

what christmas IS, what it's for, what it meant then and what it means now has, for me, been a new discovery with each new year.

deliverance, healing, and life. they are promised us through HIS arrival.
===

our enemy, our captor, is no pharaoh on the nile
our toil is neither mud, nor brick, nor sand
our ankles bear no calluses or chains, yet Lord, we're bound
imprisoned here, we dwell in our own land

deliver us, deliver us
oh Yahweh, hear our cry
and gather us beneath Your wings tonight

our sins, they are more numerous than all the lambs we've slain
these shackles, they were made with our own hands
our toil is our atonement and our freedom Yours to give
so Yahweh, break this silence if You can

deliver us, deliver us
oh Yahweh, hear our cry
and gather us beneath Your wings tonight

"jerusalem, jerusalem
how often i have longed
to gather you beneath my gentle wings"

* * *

2007-12-02T10:14:00.000-08:00

it is dumping snow. in mukilteo. the flakes are large and the flurries are twirling. it's beautiful.

here's to the cozies.

2007-11-26T12:29:00.000-08:00

i have been sick for 9 days. first i got a bad flu bug, which at first appeared to be strep throat and the body aches, but evolved into the stomach flu (worst.), and has since morphed into a bad chest cold. i have drank lots of sprite, ate many a saltine, and cuddled under many a comfy blanket on the couch. i am so thankful that, though i had the first day at my new job on friday the 16th, the office was closed for the week of thanksgiving so i have been able to rest and not feel frantic about missing so much work. but, i am supposed to go back tomorrow, so i'm hoping the worst is over and that i am on the mend, however slowly it is turning out to be.

a blustery wind woke me up today, and it is cold and gray out. i therefore decided that today shall be a day of coziness. i enjoyed a hot mug of cocoa alongside my organic honey o's cereal this morning. since then, i have started a great big pot of stew in my crockpot, which is steadily bubbling away on the kitchen counter and creating a most terrific smell that is beginning to drift throughout the house. frank sinatra is droning out the warmest of christmas tidings from the stereo, and i am gazing with glee at my 3 rubbermade tubs of christmas decorations that we got out this weekend. i am currently summoning up the energy to go to town on those tubs. have i mentioned that i dearly love christmas?

if you are needing a little assistance getting into a spirit of worship and wonder this christmas season, please investigate my current top 3 favorite christmas albums so far this year.
1.'jolly christmas from frank sinatra'
2. 'a merry christmas with bing crosby and the andrews sisters'
3. 'christmas... from the realms of glory' (bebo norman)

i also recommend comfort food consisting of thick soup and french bread, so that even if you have to venture out to your local safeway deli for their hot, readymade soups-to-go, you may have some coziness of your own on this blustery day.

happy birthday, dear matty.

2007-11-21T12:18:00.000-08:00

p.s.
today my husband turns 24. everyone should clog up his phone line and wish him happy birthday!

thou fount of every blessing

2007-11-21T11:39:00.000-08:00

there is so much to be thankful for. there just is. HE's given us so much to be thankful for. not only in the form of physical provision, but in the form of relationships and love. the showing of HIS hand has come in all these ways to me... i frequently pause to note the abundance of HIS care, but i seem to take more time to stop and dwell on HIS goodness in this season of thanksgiving.

i used to lump thanksgiving in with the other fluffy holidays that are marked with sugary, gaudy decorations and gift bags, but in recent years i've gradually pulled thanksgiving out of that mess and placed it next to christmas in my mind. i've placed it there because it marks, to me, the beginning of a season- a season of thanks. it brings me to focus on what truly matters and prompts me to hold in my spirit those most important things as the rest of corporate america marches into clear-out, mark-down, ball-buster sales beginning at midnight. i've come to realize i'm not even so keen on the idea of the first pilgrim "thanksgiving," which probably was marked with more pain and suffering than anything else. what i am keen on is clutching in my hands every snippet of HIS grace that i can.

these glimpses of grace and provision to me, this year, are largely represented by, but not limited to:
-a past year of clinging to my Father's hand that never wavered
-a husband that chooses me every day
-a dad that has been declared cancer-free for the last 2 doctor appointments
-a brother on the opposite side of the world photographing and loving the nations, who is being kept safe and sound
-a supportive and attentive crop of beautiful family members and friends
-physical provision that is enough, every day

if these things are only the beginning of my list were i to write the whole thing, how can i utter a single complaint? there are more people in this world who don't have enough than who do, and i want to live mindful of those who need what i sometimes take as a given.

let tomorrow, thanksgiving, usher in a season of thanks. let it be a beautiful mark of the beginning of the weeks leading up to christmas. let thanksgiving usher in a joyful spirit of gratitude and worship of our God who loves us so lavishly. it could become a part of christmas in a way that helps us better love each other. it could help us to reach out and look around for the ones who can't compose a list of what they're thankful for. and though it's not about the gigantic proportions of traditional foods, i want to use my laden table as a means to connect with those eyes across the table and all around me, that look back at me as friends and family beside me on this walk.

there is so much to be thankful for.

2 completely different things.

2007-11-12T16:23:00.000-08:00

...that have made my past 2 days:

1. starbucks holiday cups are currently being doled out, aptly proclaiming, "pass the cheer!" i was nearly giddy receiving my red cup with green sleeve through the car window yesterday, basking in the aroma of gingerbread, aka holiday cheer. it is no secret that i love everything about the christmas season.

2. i am now only available in the minus-ten-pounds edition.

*claps excitedly

welcome to the world, Eden JoAnna.

2007-11-04T17:42:00.000-08:00

we just got back from ellensburg and meeting the newest addition to our awesome family. we're in love. she's beautiful and so much sweeter than words can explain. somehow this little girl, whom everyone expected was going to be a boy, came out with a shocking crop of bright blonde hair and a quiet, peaceful spirit. i love being an auntie to two little nieces, who i can tell are going to be such a joy together. plus, their names are even so cute to say together: ezri and eden! :) i'm excited to spoil two lil' blondies now!

i cried when i heard she was here, i cried when i learned that i'm sharing a middle-namesake with the grandmas (they are both Joanne and the capital A was for me!), and i cried when i saw her little glowing face. how special is that, to share a name with someone?! i love that! it was such an unexpected gift.

praise the LORD above for new life, new growth, new beginnings.
welcome to the world, eden.

.listening to ezri tell us about her new sissy.

.holding eden for the first time.

.uncle matty & eden.

it's coming, it's coming!

2007-11-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

today's the day! my sweet sis-in-law stephanie is in the hospital, working on bringing their new little one into the world. we have our 2nd niece or nephew on the way as of this morning! i am so excited to meet him or her after all these months! hopefully i'll have some new pics up on here soon. praying for a safe and healthy mama and baby!

ya lil punkin head.

2007-11-01T11:33:00.001-07:00

there is only 1 thing i like about halloween. carving punkins. and maybe passing out candy to trick-or-treaters. that is all. no spiderwebs, no spidies, no witches or goblins or ghosts or ghouls. i hate fake wounds and fake blood and scary screaming sounds. i'll take the pumpkins and fun-sized candy and leave all the rest.

gobbeldy-gook.

2007-10-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

do you ever find yourself wishing your body had some additional, cool, completely useless, but nonetheless cool functions? for instance, how about if our midsections, instead of uttering some growley jibberish when empty and hungry, actually audibly declared (in growley gurgles) exactly what we were hungry for? like... sgrmmmhrmmm-ICE-brmmm-CREAM.

this could be really useful. no more guessing games when out with friends and no one actually wants to pick the place to eat for fear of naming someplace nobody else wants to go. everyone's stomachs would just blurt out their food of choice and go from there.

i suppose this could also be potentially embarrassing. like how my stomach would perpetually be blurting out "french fries" and "ice cream" instead of the healthy things i have to willfully trick my stomach into eating. i guess the cat's out of the bag... i love french fries more than salads. surprise, surprise.

but, friends, tomorrow officially marks our 6th week of eating reformation, and i have to say, it's going remarkably well and, though my stomach would beg to differ if it could speak for itself, i am really retraining myself to think about food differently. like the fact that it's not there for comfort or to be my friend, but to fuel my body. maybe some of you are like, "duh," but not so for me. this is new, and good, and i have to admit i've never stuck with anything this healthy for this long.

if any of you out there are fed up with impossible diets, talk to me about my new buddy, weight watchers. we've become fast friends. :)

a beautiful silver.

2007-10-27T13:17:00.001-07:00

matt just called- he caught a silver salmon! looks like we're having a yummy dinner on the bbq tonight! he said he has a hole in the waders he's wearing so one of his feet is numb from standing in the river, but no matter, he's happy cause he got a fiddy!

gratz, babe. :)

.treatment coordinator ftw.

2007-10-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

so yes, in recent developments, i have officially been offered the job and officially accepted. lots of details have yet to be worked out because of a massive restructuring in the office i am about to enter into, but i am joining a great orthodontist as his treatment coordinator in his everett office. it's going to be a challenging position, that is for sure, but i am looking forward to it and welcoming the responsibility! i have so much to learn, but i love learning and it will be great to be immersed in the healthcare field, and a branch of it that promotes the ability of people to smile to their full potential. i think i am going to have the proverbial 'firehose' of information blasted at me, full force, for... probably months, so i guess all i can do is pull on my raincoat and galoshes, hold my breath, and start wading.

i'm excited to be working in an office again where new people flow through on a daily basis. and i'm thankful to be working for who i hear is an excellent boss. and to be able to play a crucial role in patients' experiences in that office is, well, exciting.

little ol' casual me is going to have to get some dress up clothes.

p.s. i'm thankful for an opportunity that i feel peaceful about. there is something so huge to be said for me to be feeling peaceful about something that is overwhelming. it's new and strangely weird. but good.

job ftw.

2007-10-25T16:46:00.001-07:00

i have a jobbbbb!!! more on this soon. :)

flurries of leaves.

2007-10-17T15:22:00.001-07:00

it is a blustery day out and there are flurries of leaves blowing down the street. when they get caught in a wind current in the alcove where the office window is, they make quite a racket against the window pane. they are all different shades of green, yellow, red, and orange... orange like the pumpkin spice candle burning at my side. the smell of this favorite candle of mine is so comforting that i am carrying it with me when i move locations in the house. for now, we are both in the office, my candle and i, amongst today's project (piles of papers and things begging for some semblance of order).

our living situation is up in the air. i have a hard time when things are up in the air. but like Job said, why should we only accept pleasant things from the hand of God?

i will take both the pleasant and the unpleasant simply because HE is in them all.

prank calls.

2007-10-12T22:15:00.000-07:00

earlier some kids were prank calling our hotel room. we know they were kids by the sound of their devilish giggling on the other line. matt answered 3 times. on the next call, he picked up and said nothing, just breathed into the phone and listened.

they said nothing.

half a minute passes.

matt whispers, "i know where you are."

they never called back.

that'll show 'em.

emilee ann. :)

2007-10-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

someday i hope to conquer my fear of flying. but for now, i simply made it. to where? to indianapolis, friends! it's time for emilee and andrew's wedding, and we just arrived an hour ago. it is so radical and amazing to be in the same corner of the world as my dear friend, so good to see her, and so great to breathe the same air! love, love, love it. what a blessing to be here and to be a part of this. wedding's on saturday, so we get 2 days to hang out and get ready!

the midwest is treating us great so far. what are they called here? hoosiers? jk.

alright, we're ordering lunch and sleeping off this red-eye-flight-shroud.

wooooo, indy.

on being understood.

2007-10-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

the other night i laid awake in bed for quite awhile, dwelling on the overwhelming thought that HE knows me. it is so good to be known. to not have to make any effort at revealing myself, my true intentions, or to struggle at accurately expressing myself to the God of abraham, isaac, and jacob. HE just knows, and does with that information what HE knows i need. my many weaknesses and shortcomings are encompassed by HIS understanding and HE is my helpmeet in providing those things that make me stronger. i can rest assured that my unique situation and path is very, very understood by HIM. i needed to hear that from HIM and, just the other night, i did.

and then i awoke the next morning to this:
marvel at the wonder of my continual presence with you. i know everything about you. you don't need to work at revealing yourself to me. i am freely available to all who call upon my name, who open their hearts to receive me. this simple act of faith is the beginning of a lifelong love story. i, the lover of your soul, understand you perfectly and love you eternally.
-pieces from jesus calling, october 2nd.

the night before i had laid awake uttering in my mind, "you know me... you KNOW me..." as i let it process, sink in, and envelop my thoughts that were so preoccupied and fragmented on their own.

tag, i'm it.

2007-10-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

1. Who is your man? matt. :)

2. How long have you been together? 6 years this fall!

3. How long dated? dated for about 2 years, engaged for 6 months, married for 3 and 1/2 years!

4. How old is your man? 23, and turning 24 in november! weird!

5. Who eats more? he does (but we're both eating a heck of a lot less since we're doing weight watchers, baby! AND it's working! :D)

6. Who said "I love you" first? he did, after a whole year

7. Who is taller? he is, at 6'1"

8. Who sings better? haha, that depends if we're being serious or being fools. i mean that in the best possible way. we're goof balls.

9. Who is smarter? i realize we both have our smarts in different areas, but my initial response is that he is. he has more all-around practical common sense kind of smarts, in addition to his understanding of math, engineering, and well, rocket science. i have smarts in the creative, expressive arenas like writing, music, (except he's good at that too!), psychology, and art.

10. Whose temper is worse? hmm... first response is that mine is. we both have tempers, but perhaps they flare differently, i think. mine flares over minor irritations quite easily (embarrassingly enough), and his flares worse over major incidences. (i.e., pulling under our carport with the bike rack on the roof. i have to laugh when things like that happen, i mean, what do you do??)

11. Who does the laundry? i do!

12. Who takes out the garbage? mostly him, but sometimes me!

13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? this is confusing. if you're standing at the bottom of the bed and facing the top, he is on the right.

14. Who pays the bills? mostly me.

15. Who is better with the computer? he is!

16. Who mows the lawn? when we had a lawn, he did. and i water it and plant the flowers. we both do other yard work like raking and shoveling snow. our version of shoveling snow also includes rolling the biggest snowballs we possibly can and making creative fortresses. last winter we lined our front walkway with giant snowballs on either side.

17. Who cooks dinner? matt is always such a big help with this. lately, i've been making more things. but he's quick to help me, and does all the grilling, which he's great at. i'd say we cook together the most.

18. Who drives when you are together? him

19. Who pays when you go out? he usually mans the debit card, but it all comes out of the same account!

20. Who is most stubborn? me (blush)

21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? hmm. i think he is. must be my hard-headedness.

22. Whose parents do you see the most? hrmm... lately we've been seeing them equal amounts, i'd say. sometimes we see one set more than the other, interchangeably, but now that we moved we see them the same. we have great parents.

23. Who kissed who first? he did! he even asked first! it was perfect.

24. Who asked who out? he asked me. when he came to my house to pick me up, he was dressed really nice, so my mom ran back to my room and said, 'quick, put on something cuter! he looks really good!' hahaha. i think i had on jeans and a hoodie! silly ol' casual me.

25. Who proposed? he did. it was magnificent. there were candles all over the stage of our church and down the aisle. he led me in, gave me flowers, sang to me, then got down on one knee! i was so surprised i didn't even notice that he dropped the ring!

26. Who is more sensitive? we're both softies... but i think i take things to heart much more easily.

27. Who has more friends? i have no idea... lots of our friends are mutual... but i think he might have more than i do.

28. Who has more siblings? me! i have 2 younger brothers, tim (20) and mitch (15). he has 1 older sister, stephanie (26).

29. Who wears the pants in the family? we decide most all things together, but matt's definitely more the leader. but i do wear pants a lot.

if you're reading this, you're it! post the link to yours in my comments so i can check it out!

best word list, 2nd edition.

2007-09-27T18:45:00.001-07:00

6. indubitably
7. hilarious

lift up your hands, all ye peoples

2007-09-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

and praise the Lord for googleChat! it's almost space-agey to be able to talk with tim instantaneously from the other side of the world in africa! i will never cease to be amazed at the technological developments of this day & age. kudos to you, apple and google, you champions of the world.

in other recent developments, just yesterday i had a phone interview with a non-profit that i am really hoping to get on with. now i'm waiting to see if the director wants to meet with me. please, please, please.

i am ready to do some exploring. i want to find cool new hangouts, restaurants, cafes, and places i haven't been before. the good thing is, there's lots of that over here. look out, seattle, the feves are in town.

it takes a lot of effort for me to adjust to change. but this is comforting me, something i read this morning from 'jesus calling': that HE made each of us in a unique way, with unique dispositions and natures. we have each earned different life experiences and have individual, special giftings. things that are really hard for some people are simple to others of us, or things that are simple for others are really hard for others of us. things HE asks of us are like baby steps to some and like giant steps to others. HE knows our experiences and our nature and we don't need to act like our giant leaps of faith are really small baby steps, and we need to be careful not to judge others' difficult hesitations as things that would be easy for us. i can be satisfied to trust the One who knows my nature, knows what is easy and hard for me, and who understands the walk i've been on with HIM. i am not less than another because i am in a different place. it's just that- a different place.

tim's gonna photograph the nations

2007-09-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

the last couple of days have been such a roller coast of emotion. i was so excited for my family to get here yesterday. they were coming to spend the night with us, to get some time with the whole family together before tim's flight left today. i looked forward to them coming all day, and once they got here it was great to see 'em, but that's when it hit me- me weren't gathering purely to hang out for no reason beside our enjoyment of each other's company. i had not, until yesterday, left myself really dwell on the fact that it was time for tim to leave again. and when we were sitting in the sand roasting hot dogs on the beach, i blinked back tears as i let myself consciously think about our plans for the rest of their visit- plans that included a drive to seatac airport and a bittersweet goodbye.

it's a struggle to reconcile my human difficulty in saying goodbye to someone i love and need in my life, and my belief in and support of his cause and the people out there that need him to tell their story. God's using this guy, and i believe that and love it. that helps me in every moment to feel strong except for when we're standing in the security line in the airport and my little brother, who is now so much bigger than i am, is hugging me with his 50.0-lb backpack and signature driving cap and i'm trying to tell him i'm so proud of him and i just can't get the words out.

somewhere along the way we set aside our stupid childhood bickering and grew a friendship that's blessed me. i have a brother and friend whose company i enjoy, and that's why today was hard. we just aren't going to be able to hang out for awhile. but the stories that are going to result because of what he's going to see... that's going to be so awesome to enjoy when he gets back. check out his travel blog over on the right: 'donde esta timoteo?'

tim, you're rockin the cause, and i believe in you. i'm praying and trusting you're in the best place you can be cause you're in HIS hands. hope you don't think i'm too much of a sap. i couldn't be more happy to see you do what you're passionate about- it's the best.

a time for everything under the sun.

2007-09-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

tomorrow my brother is leaving for south africa to embark on the first leg of his photogenx journey. i do not want to say goodbye.

just thursday.

2007-09-20T09:49:00.001-07:00

i wanted to write today, i just don't really know what about. i've been missing blogging, but i've just felt like i have nothing interesting to say. i visit my blog quite frequently each day, check to see if anyone else has written anything of note, notice how long it's been since i've written last, and sign out. i don't feel as melancholy as that sounds :), it's just what i've been doing. so here are some rambles and thoughts and nothings.

i was offered that job i wrote about last. the people were really great, i liked the doctor and all the assistants and office staff were really personable. they called afterwards and offered me the job and i had until tuesday afternoon to let them know my answer. after much thought and prayer and discussing together with matt, i came to the difficult conclusion that the best thing would be to turn it down. hard decision because we need the added income and it was the presentation of a job... but right decision because it wasn't the right fit. in the interview i realized i really want to pursue something i have a personal interest in, am maybe slightly passionate about, and maybe something i actually got my degree for. i realized that job was going to feel significantly like settling for something... cake. i at least need to know i'm making an impact, reaching out with the best of my ability to touch people in struggling circumstances and give them hope. so, i've gotten my feelers out and have applied for some positions in social service, mental health, non-profits. i'm praying something pans out because i feel like i need it to. i have a deep hunger for the work of my hands to be useful in helping out the broken and needy. first choice: a job with an organization that works with the homeless population in seattle and new moms. i feel hopeful, but have no idea what may come of these hopes. all i know is i couldn't take a job in an office of cosmetic dentistry for people who can afford it and make phone calls all day to confirm appointments. i think i'd whither away.

i'm recycling. a lot.

i've been making an effort to make sure i do something active every day and it's been a good week for that. this has taken the form of pretty intense dog walks. i've been exploring the area on foot with leash in hand and my faithful hound at my side. tuesday marked me stripping off my warmer layers, even in the cool ocean air, because of the enormous trek back up a hill that had seemed steep on the way down, but maybe not quite as steep as it actually turned out to be. my haunches let me know what muslces were being used! yesterday i chose a flatter path that wound around harbour pointe underneath the maple trees that are now dropping their leaves and reminding me of ninth avenue at home. that was nice. it was a good 2-mile loop that i think i will choose on the days in between hill-climbing from now on. :) it's been good to work up a sweat, good to be sore each morning, good to be putting my running shoes to use, though i have to walk before i can run again.

perhaps i had more to say than i realized... this will be it for now, but i might be back writing again today and if not, then definitely soon.

setting up home.

2007-09-07T11:15:00.001-07:00

well, we're in our new place and have been for almost a week. we're still getting used to things in a new city. everything is new, for that matter. we still have boxes everywhere. we unpack lots of stuff each day, but somehow we still haven't gotten to the bottom of it yet. slowly, but surely.

matt is at his first day of orientation and training today at the seattle boeing branch. grom and i had breakfast together and are hoping to get the rest of our clothes unpacked today. also, i would like to bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies if i can get to it so that the house smells more like people live here. :) and we all know that is a very home-y and welcoming smell, eh?

i have an interview next tuesday at a prosthodontist's office in everett as a receptionist. it sounds like a great place to work with good people, so i'm really feeling hopeful about it.

i'm sitting at our kitchen table looking out the windows with the sun pouring in out at the first fairway of the golfcourse. i'm not much into golf and i fully admit that, but i am very happy to be living on the greens just because of that -- because it's green! :) i'm happy we have grass out there and not more rows of houses or something. it makes it feel just a tad bit more like what we know home to be.

we're heading back to the burg tonight to get the rest of our stuff from our house there and clean it top to bottom. well, we're going tonight but i think the cleaning shall not commence until tomorrow. there is lots to do there. i have to admit i don't want to go back there again. i had a really hard time saying goodbye to that house because i loved it, and i don't want to say goodbye to it again. it's lovely and i miss it, and as much as this condo is growing on me, it's not going to be easy to lock the door on the house for the last time. it makes my eyes sting again just thinking about it... oh, these difficult trappings of this physical world that can so easily tangle us up. that house is not our home, but somehow my head still thinks it is.

moving musings.

2007-08-31T23:35:00.000-07:00

i'm having a hard time disassembling this house and packing it up... it's been so very much "home" and i'd like nothing more than to scoop it up and take it with us. i hate this part of moving this time. it's all good, it's just hard. it's hard saying goodbye to this home because it's meant peace, it's been our haven, and i just really love it. how very true, though, that our home is where we make it. i have to believe that once everything is in boxes and the wood floors are bare, it won't feel so much like home. it will make it easier.

as much as i hate to admit it, like i'd love to be someone who isn't this way, i struggle so much with changes like this. as good and exciting as they are, it's simply hard to start over in new places and i get nervous every time. i'll say it again, it's so good, but so hard. change is so necessary and i know it prevents me from becoming stagnant. if for nothing else, hard change makes me cling to my lovely Lord Jesus in an all-consuming, every-second kind of way. i need that every day. i'm ready again for Him to be the only thing that gets me through hard days.

this may sound ambivalent, fearing change and at the same time enjoying it, but i am really looking forward to this new direction. i love going on adventures with matt, and this is our newest and latest one. it is absolutely enjoyable to explore and do new things and find new things we love, all the while doing it together. i've always loved that about him, the fact that he leads me to be more adventurous than i would be on my own. in that sense, knowing i'm really not alone and doing this with my very best friend and favorite human in the world, this is going to be a fun adventure. :)

home sweet mukilteo.

2007-08-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

monday would have been a bust had it not been for God uprooting us from our clouded frustration and plopping us in the driveway in front of what would become our new home. we were simply out of our minds in exasperation. i wish i could better put into words how frustrating the house-hunting process was. granted, we haven't had much time to look, but the seattle rental market is absolute madness and we experienced this firsthand. it was hard staring down a 1-week deadline, knowing we'd have to move this weekend, regardless of what we did or did not find.

that said, we are so grateful for the find that we snagged from craigslist within minutes of its being posted on monday. the guy was like, "how'd you guys find this?! i haven't even left my office after listing that ad!" we chuckled, "you have no idea." in fact, it was in front of ivars on the waterfront in the front seat of the car where i sniped a wireless signal and was hitting 'refresh' repeatedly on craigslist that the ad popped up.

our hope and prayer, that we didn't even feel was very realistic, was to find a place in mukilteo. we love the area, it's just so cool, and it means about a 5-minute drive to paine field for matt. well, lo and behold, that's where we found this place! it's a sweet condo on harbour pointe, right in our price range, and has the features we were hoping for, but thought we'd have to compromise for and lose. we have the space we need, a washer and dryer, and a place for gromit to poop! the best part is that we don't stare out our windows at only more rows of units and a concrete jungle. our front walkway is full of green plants and blooms and our back opens out on the fairway of the harbour pointe golfcourse! so, that means we can see green and we're so thankful for that.

people. we have room for you to come and visit! not only do you get a room of your own in which to slumber, but you get your own guest bathroom! come one, come all. :)

it's also time to go paint shopping. our bedroom is canary yellow. our bathroom is baby pink. before i gag on easter eggs, we're going to show these walls we mean business. i'm brainstorming color palettes and new ideas and somehow i want to incorporate a gorgeous chocolate brown. get ready.

so. how's that for an update? we found our place, i'm really stressed about moving, and... oh, we're having a yard sale on friday if you all would like to adopt some of our goodies. :) 8-1 on friday at our place.

back to workkkkkkk.

news from me to you.

2007-08-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

to my dear friends & family.
i suppose it is time to blog about the latest development in our life. matt recently got offered a job at boeing as a structural design engineer (so proud, yay!) and lots of paperwork and waiting later, we got his start date on friday, so it's official! i waited to say anything before we knew it absolutely was going to happen. we couldn't make any arrangements before we got the start date anyway, so here it is: we're moving. we're packing it up and heading it out to make a new home in the seattle area!

boeing is sort of great already, in the sense that they are providing us a relocation team that helps us find places that fit what we are looking for, giving us a tour of those places and helping us actually find a good fit, and then packing us up and actually moving us... what a weird thought! it feels strange, but it sure is helpful! i'm so used to having to do that on our own, that i don't know what this is even like!

i'm writing from our hotel in seattle. we're meeting with our real estate guy tomorrow to tour the places he's put together that may be a fit for what we're looking for. we just want to rent for now before making any decisions to buy. plus we're not into the whole debt game right now. the rental market is absolutely going crazy over here, and so far all of the places we've seriously tried to make a move on have been snagged within hours of being listed. it's just nuts. we're hoping and praying for just the right thing. we know it'll be found. HE knows. :)

my tummy is full and happy from a great dinner out at buca di beppo. yumzz. plus, the company was more than lovely. :)

this is bittersweet. it's time for the next step and we knew we wouldn't be in ellensburg forever. but it's hard having the truth sink in, that these great relationships we've been forming since being here are going to have a lot of distance involved now. the sad part hit us in church today... matt ball, our dear friend, as he threw his head back and closed his eyes, singing 'you never let go' i just cried and cried. it's so true, i know that our God is leading us and directing our every move right now, but it's hard to leave things you love, even when you know it's time. it's hard to leave this place where we can worship so freely together alongside beloved friends.

everyone must keep in mind that we will be even nearer by than when we were in pullman. it's half the distance, and it's on a freeway. so, no crappy, forlorn, lonesome drive to the middle of nowhere. you, and we, can just jump on I-90 and be on either side of the mountains in just shy of 2 hours. plus, there's a whole heck of a lot more reason to visit seattle than pullman. let's be honest. :) this is me, personally extending our open-door policy to all friends, family, and brothers and sisters in Christ, who are ever in the area. even though we don't quite yet have a door to call our own. hopefully that part will be found tomorrow. :)

in HIS great love, peace, and mercy.
anna

best word list.

2007-08-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

this is long overdue. my list of favorite words, that is. i've been meaning to begin it for a long while now. i shall keep adding to it as i remember more of my favorite tidbits of language. mainly, and most importantly, just because they are just fun to say.

for now, here is the beginning of said list, in no particular order.

1. marsupial
2. bonehead
3. brilliant
4. heinous
5. intolerable

contemplating peace.

2007-08-08T14:32:00.001-07:00

i read something in my jesus calling devotional yesterday that i am still thinking about today: that God is constantly surrounding us in peace, whether we are aware of it or not. choosing to be in HIS presence and be close to HIM is what makes us aware of the presence of HIS peace.

what that means to me is that HIS peace does not come and go. HE does not only give me peace when i ask for it, it is a given that comes with being in HIS presence. whether or not i experience that peace is up to me. i will be aware of that peace when i am choosing to live and walk in the Spirit.

b-fast.

2007-08-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

mmm, i love cinnamon & sugar toast.

grumbles.

2007-07-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

yes, i am taking a breather from the go-go-go lifestyle of school and intense job pursuit to work in the campus life office. matt is working at cubcrafters as a design engineer. that is what we are doing right now. it's not a forever situation, but for now it's a good fit for us. it is actually quite nice to take a breath and live as a normal human not enrolled in fulltime classes. i'm sick of getting funny looks that i am not chasing a corporate 9-5 position or making a move for the career of the century.

big things will come, but for now our big thing is living and working and paying things off to prepare for what HE's got next for us. we're not becoming stagnant, we're living in preparation and trying to do that wisely.

so quit looking at me like that, mr. boss man.

i have something to say.

2007-07-27T20:11:00.000-07:00

i finished school. 17 years of school, to be precise. it was hard. exceedingly infinite praises and thanks to the LORD. it's all due to HIM. if you know me, you will know how true that is.

my dearest, most kindred friend emilee, whom i very affectionately refer to as meemee, is getting married to her andrew this october. i couldn't be happier for them. she brought him out from indianapolis last summer to stay with us and we hung out and had a brilliant time together. they're perfect. they couldn't be better together. i could just sing unending praises of these two, and their wedding is something matt and i are looking forward to with anxious, full hearts. it is going to be for reallllll. i have the huge pleasure of being able to stand beside her as a bridesmaid and i'm really looking forward to that. she picked gorgeous dresses, btw. but that girl has a gorgeous heart and that matters even more. :) hehe. anyways, so excited about this event and as it grows closer i'm realizing how rad it's going to be.

i have the freedom to sit down and watch some 'heroes' with matt and grom and not push down the 'homework looming' feeling. that. is. freaky.

glo-o-o-o-ry. everyone cries, glory.

p.s.

2007-07-25T23:32:00.000-07:00

grom got gum stuck in between his toes last week.

it was spearmint, though.

buggle bum.

2007-07-25T23:23:00.001-07:00

sometimes when i'm writing papers and hating it, i allow myself little privileges or small comforts that normally seem extravagant or frivolous simply because it ups my comfort level and helps me remain in my seat and continue to type.
.exhibit A.
chain-chewing bubble gum (wrigley's extra & sugarless, mind you). there's nothing like a fresh piece of pink bubble gum, the flavor is intense and amazing, and it never lasts long enough. so, in paper-writing instances like tonight, i decided, why not take out this flavorless piece i'm still chewing on and replace it with a brand new one? so far i'm on my third piece and feeling guilty... but somehow quite deserving, seeing as how i'm still sitting here typing away on my current paper.

2 more days of this madness.

2007-07-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

i have been wanting to blog but feel like i don't have anything to blog about. i open up my page several times a day, but have been left feeling i don't have anything worthwhile to say... and since tim said he's having withdrawals, i guess i better pull something out of my hat. /smile

i'm stressed and i have a lot of papers to write between now and thursday. however, i'm doing my darndest to keep my being focused on the ONE who never changes, even when everything else always is.
so, without further ado, some lyrics! haha. i guess i'll just say what's on my mind and it's these words tonight.

walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home, a land that i've never seen
i am changing: less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

when the world has fallen our from under me
i'll be found in You, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
i'll be found in You

dunder mifflin & campus life

2007-07-16T15:52:00.001-07:00

earlier mitch asked me if my job was similar to the one that pam does for dunder mifflin paper products on the office. i told him yes.

i answer the phone: "campus life, this is anna."
(dunder mifflin, this is pam).

i resolve childish office squabbles between coworkers in different departments.

i come up with activities to revive myself from death by boredom and send ideas to matt to use as well. (tossing paperclips & crumpled post-its into coworkers' coffee mugs).

i am asked to the mundane, runaround, downer tasks that no one else wants to do.

i do the difficult jobs that the higher-ups put off until the last possible second when they are unable to complete these aforementioned tasks, i.e. purchasing card reconciliations. (michael scott's quarterly budget signings).

i correspond at regular intervals throughout the day with a romantic interest, i.e. matt via constant checking of yahoo! emails. (although pam can look up straight from her desk and see jim...)

office supplies.

2007-07-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

there is something about my job that i truly enjoy at a very deep level: buying office supplies. if i need (for my duties) new pens, new notepads, new files, folders, or binders, new post-its, new markers, new anything... i can go down to the bookstore with a departmental charge or go to officedepot.com and shop away. i love that. i love being able to order the things i need and create a functional little workspace with everything in its place, everything within reach, just the way i like it. this position does, i admit, satisfy some of my overtly obsessive-compulsive tendencies for symmetry and organization. /sheepish grin

i am being hired as an hourly cwu employee after my student status is up on the 27th (3 cheers!). so i've decided i am going to make my office space more of my own, less part-time temporary student-ish. i will be working here until we move or until i find my first real career position. to be honest, i feel worried about the search for what career is next for me. for now, i enjoy this one where i can shop for office supplies on a whim. (plus, i got a hefty raise!)

my latest purchases:
3 pentel rsvp fine-point black pens (my favorites)
a great big dry erase calendar
black markers for said calendar
a green box of kleenex puffs

i am making my corner desk more comfy, more "me," more tailored to the jobs i do everyday. it's nice.

2007-07-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

new song (to me) that i'm loving this week.

give me one pure and holy passion
give me one magnificent obsession
give me one glorious ambition for my life
to know and follow hard after you

===

HE calms anxiousness. HE gives direction. HE assures us of HIS presence when we obsess about the unknown. we stack worry upon our flimsy frames, yet HE says that as we affirm our faith by trusting in HIM, we unshackle ourselves from worry. "throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of trust..."

vee burn alive, jah.

2007-07-13T15:15:00.001-07:00

it is 81 degrees in the house, 93 degrees in the shade, and i do not want to know what the temperature is in the sunshine. good thing we have fans to blow the hot air around. oh em gee.

2007-07-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

we are slowly, but surely, turning our backyard into a haven. one day at a time we pull out the overgrown weeds, trimming them away from the neglected blooms of flowers hidden beneath extra foliage. they are becoming more vibrant as we give them room to grow. there is an abundance of beautiful plant life that has obviously been growing for years, but in more recent ones, weeds have stunted their growth. every week a new area surprises us with unexpected appearances of new color. it is becoming more private and sheltered as the beautiful things grow taller and taller, hemming in the edges of the greening lawn.

on saturday, we dug out some old pavers and the sod at the bottom of our back steps. we moved the grass over to the other side of the stoop and began leveling out the cleared area for bricks. we laid out a pleasing pattern for the worn out bricks passed on to us from my parents and our new patio took shape very quickly. it is special to have these bricks with worn-down edges and varying in shape and size from the perfect rectangles they used to be. they came from the front of our old shed in my family's backyard; i've walked over them in barefeet since i was little and now they have a new home with us. they look lovely and impressive, almost like they've been here forever. i'll have to post a photo if i can remember to take one in the daylight.

we ate dinner back there tonight. we put our little garden table in the middle of the yard in between two tiki torches and made hobo-packs on the bbq. grom sat with us and we ate by firelight and watched some fruit bats flitting around the tops of the neighbors' trees.

robes.

2007-07-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

last night i found myself wondering what my brothers and sisters see in their minds when they just think of Jesus. and then i wondered, what do i literally picture when i think of HIM. i realized i picture HIS robes. i felt sort of bad, like isn't there something better that i could picture to better paint a more powerful embodiment... i dug deeper to investigate what HIS robes do in my mind and why they are obviously so important in my mind's eye.

it's because HIS robes move as HE dances. and when HE stops they swirl around HIS feet. and they must give movement to HIS actions in my mind. they are a tangible aesthetic in my attempt at grasping my moving, living God.

love languages.

2007-06-26T09:45:00.001-07:00

you know what's interesting? love languages.

it is weird and amazing to me the way that different humans feel loved in different ways... that the way we may show love to someone may not communicate that love as effectively as another way could. and it's interesting that we tend to communicate our love for other people through the ways that we feel loved. but others may not get the depth of our affection when they speak a different language of love. they may need to feel loved in completely different ways in order for it to be effective.

i think i've decided, like most people, that i have a mixture of languages that best communicate love to me. mostly, though, touch makes me feel loved in ways that few other methods can. a touch of the hand, a hug or squeeze, or physical closeness with the people i love is the way that best says, "i love you" to me. and affirming words, even if they are the same ones over and over, continually refresh my knowledge of someone loving me. acts of help and service, gifts, and quality time are, of course, wonderful. but they don't fill up my love tank the way pulling me close, looking me in the eyes, and saying "i really enjoy you" does. if i have some devoted touch and affirming words during my day, i can go farther in between the times of quality time or anything else. it's like it sticks with me longer and goes deeper inside of me.

it's really interesting. and it's weird how i'll speak the words i would want to hear or reach out and touch someone in the way that would communicate love to me, and it doesn't quite make someone else feel the way it would for me. this isn't anything new, but just something i've been thinking about... we need to make concerted efforts to try to learn and recognize what makes each other tick, feel our best, and best soak up the love that we may be projecting but aren't converting to forms that best speak that to another. a lot can be missed through mere discrepancies in the love languages we speak.