one whole chicken

today i prepared my first ever whole chicken. i have been trying out a lot of new recipes lately. this was the latest venture in new recipe land. it called for one 5-6lb whole chicken. in reference to prepping the chicken before the spice rub, it simply said "pat chicken dry with paper towels." this led me to wonder why the chicken was wet. i assumed it was because of the juices in the wrapping it came in.

now, i had only gingerly handled the chicken up until this point. after picking it out at the grocery store on friday, i twisted it up in a second bag to prevent any juice leakage and promptly slathered my hands in antibacterial liquid from my purse because somehow i had already gotten juice on my hands. i had peered in at the chicken in the bag before putting it in the fridge at home... still pink and juicy. i just felt curious about the whole thing. the meal i had planned for monday (now tonight) seemed so nonchalant about the whole chicken as it discussed its preparation. simply rub it down with the spice concoction and stick it in the slow cooker all day. i knew i'd have to touch it as some point, but i figured it wouldn't be too bad after i had "towel dried" it. but it sure looked slimy in the wrapping... i began to feel apprehensive.

earlier when i took it out of the fridge, i thought, why don't i just google how to prepare a whole chicken and make double sure that i don't have to do any further cleaning of the bird. i really figured the one i had was ready to throw in and cook... but i just had to make sure.

...

"check for giblets" i read. also, "expel the kidneys from the back of the chicken with your fingers."

...

in one mad rush to just get it over with, i laid out my tools and opened the garbage cupboard, cut open the wrapping, plopped the chicken on the cutting board, yanked out the giblets and threw them in the trash all in one motion, and gingerly peered inside to see if i had to pull anything else out. yep. so i ... expelled those kidneys, threw them in the trash (again, all in one motion), manhandled the chicken into the sink, furiously rinsed it inside and out, plunked it back on the cutting board and speedily patted it dry with those paper towels. on a brave note, i cut away the excess fat and skin (!) with my knife when i could have just left it... i don't really want to talk about the fact that i had whimpered one long constant stream of "ew" and "sick" during the process, but at this point i was taking short and shallow breaths, ready to end the whole chicken prep. i dug my hands into my glass bowl of spice concoction, and rubbed that spice all over that poultry specimen.

it actually kind of looked like the picture.

then, quickly, i deposited the whole chicken into the cooker on top of the sliced white onions i had put in earlier, and stood back to evaluate.

one deep sigh of relief, and then i attacked all surrounding surfaces with disinfectant. lid on the chicken, quick iphone photo, and it almost looked like nothing but a quick and painless process had resulted in the dinner simmering on the counter.

almost, except for my full-body shudder every time i see that chicken and remember what i had to pull out of it.

this domestic life is not for the faint of heart. (er, giblets).