yes, but how?

HE is more interested in our character than our circumstances, our occupation, the decisions we choose next. HE cares intimately about all those things, but while HE is walking ahead of us, knowing what comes next, it is better for us to be growing in each step we take, looking at our feet and noticing all the important details in each moment. i hate that phrase "bloom where you're planted", but it's right on.

i hate feeling like i have no choice. matt jokes about the fact that i don't like to be "bossed." i don't! hehe, but what i mean is that when things spin out of control and chaos overrules any sense of saneness, i want to feel like i can say "enough of this" and balance things out again. i feel upset when life gets too full of good things. i love investing in people, i love sitting with people over a good cup of coffee and talking about life, i love meeting with a group of girls that i see growing and changing, i love to work hard to organize aspects of a tuesday night that usher people's hearts into worship, and i especially love leading people, in song, up to the feet of HIM. but when all things things start to snuff out the more important things, like my giving my attention to christ, deliberately, with a time set aside just for that, those good things create something not so good. my heart says, "no," "enough," but with commitments so full of responsibility, i don't understand how it's possible to get back to square one and rediscover how to give the most time to the most important things. i know what needs to be done, things need to be pared down to the necessary, but when i know people will be let down along the way to that, it hurts me.

there are times i want to do nothing besides devote myself to god and my husband. i want those other things that i love to add sweetness and dimension to my life with god and my husband, not weigh everything else down.

father, you're all i need. my soul's sufficiency. my strength when i am weak. the love that carries me.