situational dos & donts. also: wolf spiders.

when you order a medium diet coke and someone presents you with a large rootbeer, do accept.

when there is an "extra" 30 minutes of time in the morning and the available options are a) shower or b) bipass shower, obtain clean kitchen, and wear ponytail, for pete's sake choose (b), for the smell of a clean sink and garbage disposal far outweighs having hair roots as fresh as a daisy.

when you happen upon spiders in your living space, do not exaggerate on their size, leggy proportions, or hairyness. God forbid the time you ever cry wolf over a small spider, for a time will arise when you need your husband to exterminate what will be the biggest, the tallest, the furriest excuse for an arachnid that you will EVER have seen your life. it will gallop by you, as you're sitting on the floor in front of the couch, and you will silently dive (with perfect form) from your seated position to cling onto your husband's neck, seated nearby on the loveseat. you will only be able to point in terror, with shaking limbs, in the general vicinity of the television set. your voice will come back just in time for you to yell, IT IS THE BIGGEST I HAVE EVER SEEN! GALLOPED BY ME! UNDER THE TV! BY THE XBOX! IT HAD A SHADOW!

your hubby will peer around the corner into the dark, after first affixing his trusty headlamp to his forehead, and experience a reaction much similar to your own upon catching site of that terrible creature. he will affirm that that thing is, indeed, the biggest he has ever seen. EVER. he will need to get the shopvac, only to discover the beast is TOO LARGE for that. he will slip on the heaviest pair of shoes left by the front door, directing you to scare the spider out while he stamps on it (scare it out?! like a sheep?! are you mad?!), only you will question what he will do when the spider is too huge to stamp on, and what if he fights back? so your husband will direct you to grab the broom. you will take a deep breath before dashing by the spider's lair and into the garage to fetch said broom. your faithful companion will grab the broom, create a large bundle of shipping tape around the end of the handle. he, too, will take a deep breath before acting, and strategically mash the handle into the broad back of the spidey, simulating a spider trap and essentially gluing the spider's body to the sticky mass, and dash across the living room out the open front door (which you thoughtfully realized you should hold open in preparation). he will run down the sidewalk and jam that broom into the grass so far that that spider NEVER finds his way back out of the earth.

upon re-entering your once "clean and pest free" house, he will look you in the eye and say, "you are right. that is, by far, hands down, the biggest spider i have ever seen. you were not exaggerating. and i am not going to be able to sleep tonight."

you will realize the very grave and important consequences of ever having cried wolf over a tiny spider. because there is something called a Wolf spider. which entered the home of YOURS truly, and is the biggest spider to hatch in the WORLD aside from a tarantula. (don't worry, i asked matt during our little escapade if it was a tarantula. he just screamed more bad words. that man is as afraid of spiders as i am, and unashamedly). do not, do not, do not ever exaggerate about the size of spiders. for there will come a day...