a catalyst for change.

time for me to do some unearthing of myself. i know i've got some 'splaining to do after a series of regular posts a la horsey stuff, then a doozy of a period of silence. hoooo boy, have i been processing some stuff. here's my first stab at catching up.

we rearranged our life quite a bit in order for me to pursue my equestrian desires. it was a big deal. months of praying and waiting and figuring out of details and lots and lots of discussing... so i was good and ready when january 4th rolled around to accept the onslaught of massive amounts of information to learn and absorb, in every aspect of my humanness - intellectually, physically, spiritually - because it was clear that this year of my being a working student was going to put me through the wringer and test me to my limits. that was all very clear to me. and, as is usually the case, another factor from left field came hurtling in and became front and center. and this is why my last day at the barn was january 31st.

i've been on a journey for a couple of years now, to deal with and confront the deep reserves of anxiety in my life. i have some wise council in my life that has been very helpful over the past year, and i hope will continue to be so into the future. i'm thankful to have had an objective sounding board to discuss my struggles in my previous job, the process of leaving there and beginning a new venture in following my heart, and then in the process of recognizing a change of plans and reconciling disappointment with what i know is right. in describing the events of the last few months as i catch up with friends and fill them in, i've grown fond of a particular way of describing it. so, my friends, if you've read this in an email from me or heard me explain it in person already, i'm sorry. but these are the words that feel best in learning how to summarize what seemed impossible to explain:

my wise council tells me that in any given situation, there's a lot of things that are true... and that i can focus on the true aspects i want to, in order to help best represent what a situation means to me in moving forward. i could compile a hundred different snippets of sentences to describe january 2011, all of them true, but not all of them would be helpful to me in moving forward because lots of them would be really painful. so here's how I would describe the month of january, focusing on a few key, true aspects from what i experienced, but that also help me in being able to move forward.
1) i fell even deeper in love with the art of working with horses. that meant a lot of sweat and grit and muscle and exhaustion... and a deep sense of awe at the privilege it is to work with such amazing animals. i loved every ounce of effort that went into them. the smell and the dirt and the tiredness really all just amounts to joy when you have such a love for them.
2) i made some great relationships with clients at the barn and especially one gentle lady in particular, who has these deep reserves of kindness that never ceased to amaze me. i really made some great connections and relationships with people AND horses.
3) i intensely struggled with the man who was my #1 source of knowledge to learn from. his demeanor and behavior were downright inappropriate, confrontational, aggressive, and (truthfully) abusive. i poured out every last bit of determination I had into making things positive, pushing through it, pushing back, fighting for my experience there to turn into a good one. but what I found is that when people are as broken and dysfunctional as this man ended up being, no amount of anything i could do was going to change him. and everything in that place centers around him. i made a decision for myself and my family, that that was not a healthy environment for me to be in, and i certainly could not learn what i needed to in an environment like that. it was not a healthy place for anyone to be, but especially me in my journey with anxiety and getting healthy and creating a healthy way of living for both me and matt.

i stood up for myself. i advocated for what i knew was the right thing to do even though it didn't feel good. i had to grieve afterward. it hurt like hell.

and, i am ok. it is ok.

another thing i've gleaned from the wise council in my life is that just because we made all these life changes and rearranged and re-prioritized and then things didn't work out in the long-term for me to continue this program, does not mean that our choices to get us to this point were wrong. this not working out could be the catalyst for change that we needed. in between the grieving and letting go of the way i thought my dream was going to go, i'm realizing it does not necessarily mean the letting go of my dreams. it will be different than i thought, but it always has been. and that is ok. and in even more spaces in between the hard parts, i've been realizing some peace. i haven't immediately begun to scour craigslist and find another job in the meantime, because i really want to be intentional about making the most of these changes we made. it was still the right time for me to leave my previous job. it was still good that we re-worked our budget to be able to live well on a single income. it was still good that we had figured out a better way to plan meals and cook healthier and shop with less money. and since 60+hours of my week suddenly became available, i want to use them really fully for good things. so far i've been using them for being calm, for being home, for cooking breakfast before matt goes to work, for going on walks and jogs with gromit, for keeping in touch with friends, for saying yes to middle-of-the-day coffee dates, for reading, for actually finishing some loads of laundry, for being still enough to hear the heater when it clicks on and the refrigerator humming in the background. and now, for writing.

and, in all of this, i've been struggling with this worry that horses are going to absent from my life again for years and years. though i've had no idea how it would work or in what context, i've been hoping that there would be a way for them to still be a regular presence in my life. they are so good for my soul! lo and behold, a couple of weeks ago a gentleman contacted me via a couple of new friends i made, and asked me if i'd be interested in helping him work his 2 horses on an ongoing basis. (i know, right?!) obviously i said yes. i've been going out a couple of times each week and i help do a few barn chores and then get to groom and ride some very dashing horses. they are brothers, they are tall, dark, and handsome, and they provide some of the highlights of my week.

i don't know what's next. everyone keeps asking me that. i don't know, but i guess we'll see.

God knew this would come. it doesn't matter that i didn't. but all the changes we made to prepare for something that didn't work out, still leave me thankful that we made them. i have time to think about it... and to focus on being a good wife and friend. i really love that.